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(The Forman’s kitchen. Red is reading the newspaper and Eric, Hyde and Kitty are eating breakfast.)
Red: Look at this. First day of deer season.
Eric: Rabbit season.
Hyde: Duck season.
Eric: Rabbit season!
Hyde: Duck season!
Eric: Rabbit season!
Hyde: Duck season!
(They laugh until Red shoots them a look, then they stop.)
Kitty: Well, Red, you haven’t been hunting in ages, not since the accident.
Eric: What accident?
Red: A really terrible accident that’s none of your business.
Eric: Oh, yeah, that one.
Kitty: You know, why don’t you go? It might be fun, get out of the house, get some fresh air, maybe get out of your lousy damn mood! Sorry.
Red: I’d love to go, Kitty, but…we just can’t afford it.
Kitty: Oh, yes we can. I will pack you some food and a nice box of bullets and you’re on your way!
Eric: Dad, you could use the Pinsciotti’s cabin.
Red: Bob has a cabin? Well, isn’t that just the cat’s ass?
Kitty: Oh, boo hoo, the world’s unfair. Now just ask Bob if you can borrow his cabin.
Red: Ok. We’ll go. Just us guys.
(Red gets up to use the phone. Eric sits, disturbed at what he’s just heard.)
Eric: Uh, mom?
Kitty: Well, you should go. You don’t spend nearly enough time with your father.
Eric: That’s because he doesn’t like me.
Kitty: Yes, he does like you. And that’s no excuse.
Hyde: Well, I don’t have a gun. My mom took it when she left.
Kitty: Well, you can share. You know there is something about a gun that just…makes you wanna share!
Eric: Ok, fine, mom, I’ll go with dad, but if I don’t come back…you’ll know who did it.
Hyde: You know, he’s never really warmed up to you.
Eric: Going on seventeen years now.
Red: Ok, we’re going hunting!
Kitty: (Getting up and kissing Red on the cheek.)
Red: With Bob.
Oh. Well, you know, maybe you’ll cheer up after you shoot something!
Red: I always do!
(“That 70’s Show” theme song plays.)
** ** **
(In the car on the way to the hunting grounds. Red is driving, and Bob and Hyde are in the front seat. Kelso, Fez, and Eric are in the back. Kelso is hanging out the window with a gun.)
Kelso: Hey, Red. Don’t freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I’m gonna shoot him!
Red: Kelso, you fire that gun in this car, and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.
Fez: (leaning up to the front)
Do it, Red, do it!
Hyde: Come on, Forman, would you get that gun away from him?
Kelso: No! I wanna hold it.
Eric: Give it up, Kelso.
(he leans over and takes the gun from Kelso.)
Kelso: I have a right to bear arms, all right? That’s in the constitution!
Fez: Kelso, not everything in the constitution makes sense.
Eric: Whoa, Fez, shut up.
(Red looks back angrily.)
Red: What did you say?
Fez: Uh, nothing?
Red: I hear ya.
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Midge, Donna, and Kitty are standing around the oven.)
Kitty: So, so, so. What to do.
Donna: I shoulda gone hunting.
Kitty: No, no, no, we can have fun. We can have our very own fun. We could-
Donna: I’m not baking anything.
Ohhh! Ok! Who wants Jello?
Donna: Jello’s baking.
Kitty: No, no, no! Jello’s boiling! (She laughs) Gotcha!
** ** **
(The car on the way to hunting.)
Hyde: Hey, Red. So, tell me about that hunting accident. Sounds like a funny story.
(Red shifts a bit but doesn’t say anything.)
Kelso: Think we’ll see any bears? I’d love to kill a bear.
Red: You can’t shoot a bear. It’s deer season! You shoot a bear, you get fined, you go to jail.
Kelso: No. I’ll just say it was self-defense. Who’s the jury gonna believe? Me, or a dead bear?
All: Dead bear.
Bob: I killed a bear once.
Red: Your ass.
Bob: I did! I did. I was getting a drink from a spring, see. When suddenly, I heard something. Grabbed my shotgun, boom. Right between the eyes. Survival.
Red: So, what’d you do then? You uh…bring it home? Get it stuffed?
Bob: Nope. Left it there. Went home.
Red: How come you didn’t bring it home? Get it stuffed?
Bob: On account of it was so huge.
(He glances at Bob in a way that shows he doesn’t really believe him.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Midge, Donna, and Kitty are sitting around the table. Jackie is standing up and braiding Donna’s hair.)
Midge: So it’s a stand off. I won’t shave my legs, Bob won’t shave his back.
(There’s a pause.)
Donna: Ok, eew.
Kitty: You know, Red doesn’t have a hairy back, can thank god for that. No offense.
Jackie: Good news for you, Donna! That means Eric probably won’t have one either.
Donna: He can’t even grow a moustache.
Kitty: Oh, please. Eric’s body is bald as can be. You know, I don’t even think he hit puberty until about fifteen!
Kitty: Oh, he probably won’t like that I said that.
Midge: I think Eric’s the sweetest kid. So, Donna. Have you and Eric…
Donna: Mother, please!
Jackie: The answer’s no.
Donna: Hey, hey! Everybody just shut up.
Kitty: Well, I for one am not so naïve as to think that you and Eric-
Donna: (Covering her ears)
Kitty: Ok, well, I guess we’re upsetting her, so, what should we do now?
Midge: Well, if Donna wasn’t so uptight, we could talk about-
Donna: I’m gonna go home. You want me to go home? ‘Cause I will.
Kitty: Donna, please don’t go home. I think it’s very nice that you’re spending time with your mother. God knows Laurie won’t.
Jackie: You guys, let’s play poker! I bet I’m good at it!
Kitty: You never played poker before?
Jackie: Uh-uh. But I have lots of money!
Kitty: Oh, well, honey, have a seat! I’ll get the cards!
** ** **
(The boys have arrived in the woods. Kelso is outside the cabin. A deer walks up.)
Oh my god… (He sneaks to the car and tries to pull out his gun, but the deer runs away before he can get it out.)
No! Damn! Damn, damn it all, damn!
(The rest of the guys come out of the cabin.)
Red: Kelso! What the hell are you doing?
Kelso: Well, I would be proudly standing over my kill right now if someone hadn’t taken my gun away.
Bob: Kelso, you can’t fire the gun in the camp!
Kelso: The deer walked right through here! He was mine, I was gonna hunt him!
Red: You know, Kelso, not every hunting accident…is an accident. (he takes the gun away from Kelso.)
Think you better sit this one out, pal.
(Red gives him a look, and Kelso hurries away.)
Red: You know, I saw a deer blind on the way in, anybody wanna go check it out?
Eric: I’ll go.
(He gets a gun from the car.)
Hyde: No, not me. I just came to hang out. When I crave meat, I buy baloney.
Eric: So where’s Fez?
Bob: Kelso probably shot him.
Red: Oh, I saw him walking into the woods right after we got here. Said he was going hunting. He had a, a whistle and a stick!
Bob: Ah, crazy foreign bastard.
(Fez walks up carrying two dead birds. He holds them up.)
Fez: Let’s eat!
** ** **
(The table in the cabin. Fez, Hyde, Kelso, and Bob are sitting at it. The camera circles the table in the same way as it does when the guys sit in the basement.)
Fez: Wow. Those were some delicious birds. (He holds up a bird foot.) Keychain?
Hyde: Nah, I’m good. So you caught those birds with just a whistle and a stick? Very impressive, Fez.
Kelso: Yeah, you know, that’s a good way to hunt. ‘Cause even if you don’t get anything, you still have all the fun of a whistle and a stick.
Bob: I’ll take the keychain. Give it to Midge. Little memento.
Fez: I feel good about that, Bob. Midge is nice.
Hyde: Yep. We all like Midge.
Kelso: Yeah, Midge has nice jugs.
Bob: No, you said something.
Kelso: No I didn’t. So, what’s up with your hair, huh?
Hyde: Man, I am at one with nature right now. Thanks for the pheasant, Fez. (Liking the sound those words make:)
Pheasant, Fez, pheasant, Fez…
Fez: Yes. Beautiful black pheasants.
Bob: Black pheasants. Wait, pheasants aren’t black.
Kelso: Well, black is beautiful. I wish Jackie were black.
Hyde: What did you feed us, Fez?
Fez: They were pheasants! They went, Cu caw! Cu caw!
Hyde: You fed us a crow? You’re not supposed to eat a crow, man! You just brought some bad juju on us all! We ate somebody’s soul, man!
Fez: Aye, no. I have eaten someone’s delicious soul.
(Bob glares at Fez.)
Kelso: Hey, good news, guys, I found my gun! (The camera swings around, and there are nothing but empty chairs where the other three guys were.)
What? It’s probably not loaded.
** ** **
(The girls are playing poker. Laurie is looking over Kitty’s shoulder at her cards.)
Laurie: Oh, wow, mom, you’re not good.
Kitty: Well, you’re not even playing, so keep it to yourself, Miss Smarty.
Laurie: Ok, I’ll play.
Kitty: You wanna play cards with your mother?
(She pulls up a chair and sits.)
Kitty: Well I am gonna call the Milwaukee Journal!
Midge: Kitty? How many kings are in a pack?
Kitty: (She looks uncomfortably at Midge.)
Midge: I bet a dollar.
Kitty: Well, um. I see that there are four queens in a deck, too.
(Jackie tries to look at Kitty’s cards. Kitty pulls them away.)
Laurie: Oh, mom, that is so pathetic.
Kitty: Fine, I fold.
Jackie: I’m in.
(She puts a dollar in the center.)
Donna: Ok, uh, do you want any cards?
Jackie: Yeah. Can I have two fives please?
(She hands her cards to Donna, who hands her two back.)
Midge: And I’ll have one card. (Donna hands her a card.)
Oh, it’s five. Jackie, did you want this?
(She holds it out for Jackie.)
Jackie: You gave her a five? I thought we were friends!
(She takes the cards)
Kitty: Ok! You know what? Everybody just show your cards.
Jackie: Ok. (She sets her cards down and jumps up)
Did I win? Did I win? Did I win?
Donna: Not even close.
Jackie: Oh. Well, I don’t care. I don’t work, so money doesn’t really mean anything to me.
Kitty: Oh, how nice for you.
(Donna leans over, and the scene morphs into the painting “Dogs Playing Poker”.)
** ** **
(Red and Eric are up on the blind.)
Eric: Hey, dad, I don’t know about you but I’m kinda frozen to the blind. Right in the pants area.
Red: Shh! Geez, you have done nothing but complain since we got here. You know, I was hoping that this trip would be better than the last...where you cried about every stupid thing.
Eric: I was six. And you made me touch a rabbit!
Red: I just thought that if you touched it, you might not be afraid of it.
Eric: Well, thank you, Dr. Spock.
Red: Making noise is not the way to bag a deer.
Had nightmares for a month. Big, dead rabbit nightmares.
Red: Oh man! We got one! He is huge!
(He hands Eric the binoculars and gets in position to shoot.)
Eric: (looking in binoculars)
Where? I don’t see it!
Red: It’s about a quarter click south of the clearing.
Eric: What is a click? And which way is south? Oh, no, wait, ok, I see him! Yeah! Oh, you’re right dad, he is huge!
Red: You’re not kidding. I’d say he’s a ten pointer!
(Red lowers the gun and looks at Eric.)
Red: I was just thinking. You take the shot.
Eric: N-no way! You always talk about getting a buck. You do it.
Red: No, damn it, now don’t argue with me, now take the shot! (He hands Eric the gun. Eric climbs into shooting position.)
Come on! Hurry up! Oh, and don’t shoot him in the face!
(He looks through the binoculars.)
(Eric looks down the barrel of the gun. A shot rings out.)
** ** **
(Eric sitting with the gun. Red is still looking through the binoculars.)
Red: Holy cow, look at him go. Man, you really stink.
Eric: I told you to take the shot.
Red: I just thought it would be nice for you to get a deer, I mean, god knows I’d love to get one.
Eric: Then you should have taken the shot!
Red: What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you always so damn nervous?
Eric: Oh, hmm, I don’t know, maybe it’s because you’ve been yelling at me for seventeen years?
Red: Oh, I have not. Oh, god, he was right there! I, I coulda hit him with a rock!
Eric: Yep, that’s a damn shame. So you ready to head back?
Red: No, I sure as hell am not ready to head back. You wanna go back? You go back.
(Eric considers this and stays where he is.)
Eric: So, hey dad, how ‘bout a war story?
Red: Yeah, ok. I ever tell you about the time I…didn’t miss that North Korean?
** ** **
(The girls playing poker.)
Kitty: Full house, jacks over tens!
Laurie: Mom wins again!
Kitty: Well, this is fun! Isn’t this fun?
Midge: It was fun ‘til Laurie started dealing.
Laurie: Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?
Jackie: Oh my gosh! I think Mrs. Pinsciotti’s saying that Laurie’s cheating!
Donna: No, she’s not.
Midge: Wait! Yes I am.
Kitty: My daughter does not cheat.
Midge: Come on, Donna. We’re storming out of here.
(Midge and Donna stand.)
Donna: Ok, see ya!
Jackie: Hold on, I’ll storm with you! (she stands, then turns back to Kitty)
Thank you for a lovely afternoon, Mrs. Forman!
(They all leave. Kitty scoots over to a chair closer to Laurie.)
Kitty: Laurie, were you cheating?
Laurie: You can’t prove anything.
Kitty: Oh, for god’s sake!
Laurie: Ok. Well, if you weren’t such a crappy card player then I wouldn’t have had to cheat! And you were gonna lose all your mad money, and Midge bugs me.
Kitty: You were cheating so I would win.
Laurie: Duh! I wanted you to have a little fun.
Kitty: Well…gosh, that’s sweet.
Laurie: Yeah. (She kisses Kitty on the cheek.)
I love you, mommy!
(She takes a bill from the money Kitty is holding and leaves.)
** ** **
(Red and Eric sitting on the blind.)
Red: I just know I wouldn’t have missed him. Not when he was that close. No way.
Eric: Here. Dad, you see the can by that clearing?
(He picks up the gun and aims.)
Yeah! (Eric shoots and hits the can. Red is astonished.)
I don’t believe it. How’d you do that?
Eric: Dad. I know how to shoot. Don’t you remember my taxi driver phase? Look, I didn’t wanna kill him! I missed on purpose.
Red: Well, I can respect that more than you being a crappy shot.
Red: Why didn’t you say so?
Eric: Why do you think?
Red: You really think I’ve been yelling at you for seventeen years?
Eric: No. You were probably ok with me as an infant, I just can’t remember.
Red: Boy, it was right around thirteen when you started getting a little lippy. And twitchy.
Eric: Well, you know, lippy and twitchy tend to walk hand in hand, so…
Red: Now that’s lippy. You got something you wanna say to me, you just say it.
(there’s a pause.)
Red: No, I’m, I’m serious. Just for a second, pretend that I’m not your dad. I want you to tell me what you really think of me.
Eric: (another pause)
How ‘bout let’s do this when you don’t have a gun?
Red: How ‘bout you do what the guy with the gun tells you to do?
Eric: Okay. I think you’re angry, because life didn’t turn out exactly the way that you wanted it to. And, uh, maybe you think if you yell at me, I won’t let life push me around, too.
Red: You came up with that answer awful fast. Well. Hell, Eric. Maybe you’ll be ok.
Eric: Oh, my god. Dad, he’s back. Oh, look at him, he’s magnificent! He’s the king of the forest. Just like…Bambi’s dad. He’s beautiful.
(There is a loud shot. The camera shows Red crouched behind the rifle.)
Red: Yeah, and I bet he tastes beautiful, too. Oh, uh, just for the record, Eric. I’m the king of the forest.
** ** **
(Outside of the cabin. The guys are milling around. Red is tying the deer to the roof of the car.)
Eric: Way to go, dad. You finally got your buck.
Kelso: Wish it was mine! But somebody took my gun away ‘cause he sensed what a great hunter I am!
Hyde: Kelso, if we let you keep your gun, Fez’d be the one strapped to that hood right now. (Kelso seems offended, but says nothing.)
Hey, Red! So, uh, about that accident, huh?
Red: Oh, yeah. Well, it was a long time ago. I was out, uh, hunting with Frank. He was a good friend of mine. A good guy. Kind of a dumbass, like, uh, Kelso here. So anyway, Frank shot this deer. And he was real happy. And he’d had a few beers, so he was dancing around, and it was all real fun. And then, he leans over to kiss the deer. Only the deer’s not dead yet and it kicks him right in the neck! And it killed him.
(There are a few seconds of silence.)
Fez: The deer is staring at my soul. Put some sunglasses on it!
** ** **
(The Forman’s dinner table. Red, Laurie, Hyde, Kitty, and Eric are eating the deer.)
Kitty: Well, this is just delicious!
(She spits out a piece of something.)
Red: Sorry about the buckshot.
Hyde: Oh, I don’t mind. I mean, there’s usually some mystery gristle in meat and at least we know what it is.
Laurie: I like it better when you fish, daddy.
Red: It was jerking around, so, uh, Eric shot it with a shot gun.
Eric: Well, I had to. It was…screaming.
(They all spit onto their plates.)