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(The Formans and Hyde are eating breakfast at Eric's kitchen table.)
Eric: Hey dad, can I go to Vanstock with the guys this weekend?
Red: What the hell's a Vanstock?
Eric: Well, it's like Woodstock, but, with a greater emphasis on vans.
Red: Sounds stupid. Have a good time.
Laurie: Oh, then daddy, since Eric is going out of town, can I have his car?
Kitty: Why? Where are you going?
Laurie: Excuse me, I was talking to daddy.
Kitty: I know. Where are you going?
Laurie: Frat party.
Kitty: Frat party? No.
Laurie: But daddy…
Red: Look, honey! It's up to Eric.
Eric: Really? Well, I mean I guess…NO!
Kitty: Well that's settled, then. Red, what are you gonna do today?
Red: Well, read the want ads, look for a job, then just to break up the day I thought I'd go down to Recksol, look for some Gold Bond for my athlete's foot. Any more questions?
Kitty: Well, oh boy, Red, we've got the big hospital banquet to look foreward to.
Red: Oh, right. Well, then. Screw the Gold Bond, I gotta get my hair done!
Kitty: Well honey, I don't think it's gonna be that bad. And, if it is, I can always give you a shot of Demerol.
Hyde: You have Demerol? (Kitty stares at him in shock.)
I mean, what's, what's Demerol?
(Theme song plays.)
** ** **
(Eric and Kelso are standing in the Forman's kitchen, talking about Vanstock.)
Eric: So! Donna and I are all set for Vanstock.
Kelso: Whoa! No-Donna can't come with us!
Eric: Why not?
Kelso: Well, it's kinda complicated…
(Laurie walks into the kitchen and slaps Kelso on the butt.)
Laurie: Hey, Kelso. So what time are we leaving for Vanstock?
Laurie: I guess you should have given me your car, Eric. Now I'll be with you and Kelso all weekend.
(She walks out of the kitchen.)
Eric: How could you ask Laurie?
Kelso: Well, Jackie didn't wanna go. What choice did I have?
Eric: Aw, man.
Kelso: See, now you see my problem. Since Laurie's going, I'm gonna have to make out with her. And if Donna goes she's gonna see me making out with Laurie and then tell Jackie! Therefore, Donna can't go!
Eric: Or, you could just not make out with my sister.
Kelso: Be serious, Eric.
Eric: Ok, look. Donna's coming, and if that blows your weekend then, too bad.
Kelso: Fine. But you know what? You're making cheating a lot harder than it has to be.
** ** **
(Red and Midge are sitting on the couch watching soap operas.)
Midge: Kitty and I used to watch the soaps all the time. So now it's like you're Kitty.
Red: Don't you have a TV at home?
Midge: It's too big. I have to turn my head to see who's talking. It hurts my neck. (She watches.)
Ooh! Shh! Shh! It's starting. Ok. That's Heather. She's carrying Jeff's baby only…Jeff is in intensive care, he's got a bullet in his brain.
Red: Isn't he the lucky bastard.
** ** **
(Kelso and Laurie are standing in the Forman's driveway in front of Kelso's van. Laurie shoves Kelso into the van to make out. The camera pans over to Donna and Eric sitting on the front of the van.)
Eric: Donna, check it out. I've been working on this all morning and I'm pretty proud. I zipped our two sleeping bags together to make one. (Donna laughs.)
Look, uh, throw your stuff in the back, I'm gonna go get some snacks for the road.
(Eric goes inside. Donna walks over to the back of the van to put her stuff away, and she sees Kelso making out with Laurie. Kelso and Laurie stumble out of the van.)
Kelso: Oh! Hi! Donna. (To Laurie.)
So, that's the carpet. I was just showing Laurie the carpet.
(Kelso and Laurie speak at the same time.)
Laurie: I need some help with my stuff.
Kelso: I'm gonna give her some help with her stuff.
(They walk into the house. Eric walks out of the house holding a brown paper bag.)
Eric: Well, I hope you like tuna fish sandwiches, 'cause that's all we got.
Donna: I just saw Kelso and your sister making out in the van.
Eric: Oh, no, that's uh…
Donna: Did you know about this?
Eric: Did I? Uh, no! No! I didn't know about this!
(Hyde walks out of the house.)
Eric: Hey, Hyde! Dona just saw Kelso and Laurie making out!
Eric: Aren't you shocked? I'm shocked! For one to have learned about this!
(Fez walks up holding a bunch of suitcases, followed by Jackie.)
Jackie: Hey guys! I decided to go! I thought it'd be fun to surprise Michael.
Hyde: That would be fun!
Donna: Um, Jackie, look, you know, before we surprise Kelso, there's something going on that you should know.
Donna: You know, vanstock is gonna be really boring, and it's gonna be muddy, and you know there's a good chance there's gonna be some Canadians there.
Hyde: No, no, Jackie, you should go. You can't let the Canadians win!
Jackie: Fez, put my stuff in the back.
Hyde: Hey, Jackie. You know what would be the perfect surprise for Kelso? We'll pull the curtains, and you hide in the back with us. And at some point, you jump up front and yell surprise!
Jackie: Oh my god, that is perfect!
Hyde: Now, hop in the van before Kelso sees you. Hurry up!
(Jackie gets in the back of the van. Eric walks up to Hyde.)
Hyde: Oh, this may be the best road trip ever.
** ** **
(Kelso and Laurie are in the front of the van. Kelso is driving.)
Kelso: So, you wanna shift?
Laurie: It's an automatic.
Kelso: I know.
(Jackie jumps out from behind the curtain.)
(Kelso screams. Jackie hugs him, then notices Laurie and looks at her suspiciously.)
** ** **
(Midge and Red are watching soaps. Red is totally involved, right along with Midge.)
TV: -- Brad. How could you sleep with my wife? You're my brother.
--I'm not your brother. And I'm not Brad.
Red: Holy cow! I didn't see that coming.
Midge: Wait'll Rachel finds out!
Red: But Rachel's about to dump Brad for Jeff!
Midge: No! Jeff's in a coma!
Red: Oh, come on, Midge. She can't love a guy in a coma? What the hell kinda love is that?
** ** **
(In the back of Kelso's van. Fez is looking through Jackie's makeup case, and Eric and Donna are looking on.)
Fez: Look at this. Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso. And what does Kelso bring? An other woman.
Eric: Fez, you should really stop going through other people's stuff. It's king of creepy.
Donna: So, how long do you think this whole thing has been going on?
Eric: Whoo, I, you know, I don't know, that's anyone's guess. Right, Fez?
Eric: Kelso and Laurie! See, ha, Fez doesn't even know! I don't know, I gue-you know, it's just, it's like, god, this is so wrong, you know?
Donna: So what are we gonna do?
Eric: I guess just let this all blow over. Then Jackie and Kelso can get married, have kids, and be really unhappy. So! Let's not let this ruin our vanstock experience, ok?
Fez: Look at this. Bubble gum LipSmacker. What a waste.
(Donna grabs the chapstick out of Fez's hand and throws it back in the case, then she closes the case and takes it away from him.)
(Cut to the front of the van. Hyde has poked his head up between the curtains, and is talking to Jackie, Laurie and Kelso who are all sitting uncomfortably in the front of the van.)
Hyde: So, you kids having fun? Nothing like a road trip to get to know each other.
Kelso: Yeah. Right.
Hyde: Like, Jackie and Laurie. They don't really know each other, and yet, they have so much in common.
Jackie: Like what?
Hyde: Oh! Well, you both have really neat hair.
Jackie: He's right! I love your hair. What do you use?
Laurie: Hot rollers.
Jackie: So do I! I hate styling wands.
Laurie: So do I!
Hyde: See? You two keep talking. There may be plenty of other things that you have in common.
Kelso: No! No talking. It makes the driver nervous. So just everybody not talk.
Hyde: Ok. Let's just sing songs. Who knows the words to "Three's Company?"
Jackie and Laurie: I do!
Kelso: No singing!
Come and knock on our door…
Jackie and Laurie: Come and knock on our door!
Hyde: We've been waiting for you…
Jackie and Laurie: We've been waiting for you!
Jackie, Laurie and Hyde: Where the kisses are hers and hers and his (Hyde slaps Kelso on the back of the head on "his")
three's company too!
** ** **
(At vanstock, the gang is standing around Kelso's van looking at everything.)
Hyde: Wow, man, Vanstock! It's exactly how I pictured it!
(Just then, two girls walk by covered in mud, one of them covering up her chest.)
Girl: Has anyone seen my top? I lost my top!
Hyde: Actually, it's even better than I pictured it!
(A man with a bullhorn staggers out from somewhere.)
Man: Do not take the blue acid! If you have taken the blue acid, please report to the red cross tent!
(Three or four guys get up and head in the direction of the red cross tent.)
Fez: Look at this debauchery. This is the smelly underside of a once great nation. (He pauses.)
Ooh, yum! Candy apples!
Hyde: (To Kelso)
Hey, man! What'd you say we go help that chick find her top?
Kelso: Nah, gotta stay here with the old balls and chains.
(He indicates Laurie and Jackie.)
Hyde: You know, Kelso, did you ever think about being honest with them? Maybe they won't be mad? Maybe, they'll like the idea of sharing you!
Kelso: Man, that'd be great, huh? You think they'd go for that? Cause that's been, like-Oh ho no! You're trying to set my up, Hyde!
Hyde: You never know if you don't try, man!
Kelso: Are you serious? Be serious, 'cause this is serious. This has been a dream of mine since I was a kid and saw "The Parent Trap."
Hyde: There you go!
(Jackie and Laurie skip by.)
Jackie: Ok! We're heading off to the restroom!
Hyde: Oh, man, they're going to the restroom? You know what girls do in the restroom, right?
Kelso: Oh, I like to pretend like they don't do that.
Hyde: Not that, man, they talk!
Hyde: To each other!
Kelso: Oh my god! Girls! Wait up!
(He runs off to follow them.)
Hyde: What a maroon.
** ** **
(Red and Kitty are at the hospital banquet. Kitty is introducing Red to some of her coworkers.)
Kitty: Well, Red, this is Doctor Browning, and uh, Doctor Cloak.
Dr. Browning: So you're Kitty's husband, eh? She's a little spitfire! We couldn't run the ward without her.
Kitty: Oh, well, you could, but everyone would die!
(They laugh, Red just smiles uncomfortably.)
Dr. Browning: Ah, so Red, uh, what do you do?
Red: About what?
Kitty: Um, uh, Red used to be in management at the auto parts plant.
Dr. Browning: Oh, that's great. Uh, what do you do now?
Red: About what?
Kitty: Oh my gosh, Red look, they have an open bar!
(Red hands Kitty his punch and walks over to the bar. The camera zooms in on the punch bowl, whose contents diminish to show the time passing by. The camera then pans back to Red talking to a woman.)
Red: No, he's not his brother! He's not even Brad!
Woman: But he looks just like him.
Red: That's the point. You know, I don't understand why you watch if you're not gonna pay attention!
(Cut to Kitty talking to Dr. Browning)
Kitty: I'm sorry about Red. He's just, he's been a tiny bit cranky since he lost his job.
Dr. Browning: Kitty, it's fine.
Kitty: I know, everything's fine. He just um, he, he sits around and he mopes all day. He, he once told me that if he ever started watching soaps I should shoot him, and I gotta tell ya, I am gosh darn tempted!
Dr. Browning: Well, you know, when my wife is upset, I do something extra special for her, like surprise her with some candy. Does Red have a sweet tooth?
Kitty: Um, no, no, uh, more of a beer tooth.
(Cut back to Red and the woman.)
Red: Oh, for god sakes. You're a nurse and you can't love a guy in a coma? What the hell kind of hospital is this?
** ** **
(At vanstock. Eric and Donna are lying in their sleeping bags, which, you'll remember, have been zipped together to make one.)
Eric: Wow, look at the stars.
Donna: Yeah. Your sister's kind of a slut.
Eric: I noticed that.
Donna: How is it that she turned out so awful and you turned out so nice?
Eric: Ah, well…you see…Ok, Donna, there's something you should know.
Donna: Oh my god, you're pregnant.
Eric: It's nice to laugh, isn't it. 'Cause, I kinda knew about Kelso and Laurie all along, and didn't tell you.
Donna: (Sits up)
Eric: Which was wrong, but now I'm being honest, which is right, right?
Donna: Get out of this bag.
Eric: No, wait, Donna, just, please listen-
Donna: Fine, I'll get out.
(She gets up and leaves.)
Eric: Oh, this is the worst vanstock ever!
** ** **
(Cut to a fake soap opera, staring Red and Kitty.)
Announcer: And now, another episode of…Point Place.
Red: (Facing the camera, his back to Kitty.)
My god Kitty. What have I become?
(From the side, a sound mike comes into view. Kitty looks flustered and waves it away, then gets back into character. Her character is wearing a short blonde wig and huge rose colored sunglasses.)
Kitty: I don't know. You're not the man I married! And I'm not Kitty.
(Red turns around to face her.)
Red: What are you saying?
Kitty: I am Kitty. But I am leaving you for Dr. Cloak. Or should I say, (Turns to face the camera)
Eric's real father.
Red: But why?
Kitty: He has a job. What do you have, Red Forman? What do you have?
Red: (Over dramatically bites his fist.)
I've got nothing.
(The camera zooms in on Kitty, who's glasses have come off and has huge mascara smears under her eyes. She is "sobbing" uncontrollably.)
Red: Dear god. Will I ever work again?
(He puts his face in his hands, sobs, and peers through his fingers.)
(The camera cuts to Red sitting at the kitchen table, deep in thought. Kitty walks in holding grocery bags.)
Kitty: Ok! I'm back! (She sets down the bags.)
So. Penny for your thoughts.
Red: Well, one thing I'm thinking. I gotta stop watching the soaps.
Kitty: Well, I think that is a good idea. Ha! So listen, um, I brought you home a special little treat…(She pulls some beer out of the bag.)
Ohhh! (Then she produces a bottle opener.)
Red: Hey! That's a nice beer!
Kitty: Yes it is.
Red: What's the occasion?
Kitty: It's um, to celebrate your new job.
Red: But Kitty. I didn't get a job.
Kitty: Not yet, but I know you will!
Red: Thanks sweetie.
(They open the beer bottles and take a drink.)
Red: Tell you one thing. I bet I get a job before Jeff gets outta that coma.
** ** **
(Back at vanstock. Hyde is sitting on some logs drinking a beer. Donna walks up to him.)
Donna: Hey, how's it going?
Hyde: Well, uh, found the top, just lost the girl.
Hyde: Yeah. What are you doing up?
Donna: Punishing Eric. Knew all about Kelso and Laurie. Didn't even tell me.
Hyde: What a bastard.
Donna: Oh, like you didn't know.
Hyde: Of course I knew. Everybody knew. You're the only one that didn't know.
Donna: Shut up Hyde, I'm mad at him.
Hyde: Look, you don't rat on your friends. That's just the way it is. Now I'm laying traps left and right trying to get Kelso caught. But I'm not gonna tell on him, cause then I'd be a rat. And that's what Forman would've been if he had told you.
Donna: He still shoulda told me.
Hyde: Give him a break, Donna. I mean, the guy kisses your ass. He does everything for you and you're not even sleeping with him.
Donna: Yeah, I guess that's true.
Hyde: You're lucky he even talks to you! In fact, I would have dumped you months ago! But you know, I'm old fashioned, so…
(He takes a drink of beer.)
Donna: Ok, Hyde, thanks for the heart to heart.
Hyde: Ah, get bent. Alright, well, I'm off to find the jugs that fit this top. Like Cinderella. Excuse me, miss?
(He walks off.)
(Cut to the van. Kelso bangs on the door, shivering.)
Jackie: Yeah, who is it?
Kelso: It's me.
(He opens the door. Inside the van are Jackie and Laurie, with Fez sandwiched in between them.)
Kelso: Hey, Jackie. Laurie. Fez.
Fez: Good evening Michael.
Kelso: Well, aren't we all cozy. So! Where am I gonna sleep?
Laurie: Uh, gee Kelso, I don't think there's any room.
Kelso: But it's my van!
Jackie: I can sleep with you anytime! Tonight, I'm really enjoying girl talk with Laurie!
Kelso: And why does he get to stay?
Fez: Well I am not a girl, but I do enjoy the girl talk.
Kelso: Get outta the van, Fez!
Jackie: No, be nice to Fez! Go away, Michael. Shut the door.
(Laurie slams the van door in Kelso's face.)
** ** **
(Donna comes back to the sleeping bag. She climbs in.)
Donna: Hey! Move over.
Eric: You're not mad at me anymore?
Eric: So, what are you thinking?
Donna: That Kelso's an idiot and if I say anything to Jackie, it'll hurt her.
Eric: Yes, exactly.
Donna: And you know what else? You're like, a really great boyfriend.
Eric: All right!
(They kiss. Kelso walks up, shivering.)
Kelso: Well, all right! Thank god I found you guys. I'm freezing. Scoot over.
(He starts to climb into the sleeping bag.)
Eric: What? Kelso! No!
Kelso: Wow, this is a roomy bag, huh? Sorry if I'm a little wet.
Donna: What the hell is that smell?
Kelso: Oh, I found these two dogs, and we started wrestling, man, it was so cool. All right, goodnight.
(He rolls over to go to sleep, but Eric and Donna punch at him to get out.)
Donna: No, Kelso, get out! Get out!
Eric: You smell like a dog!
Donna: That smell! Get out!
Kelso: Well where am I supposed to sleep?
Eric and Donna: No one cares!
Eric: Ok, this is nice!