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POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN
RED, HYDE and ERIC are having breakfast. KITTY is making waffles and she's dancing around in the kitchen. SHE puts a plate of waffles on the table.
HYDE: “Wow, thanks Mrs. Forman! You know, we never had waffles at my house. My mom always said that a waffle was a luxury, like pillow cases or not getting hit. Man, this is so cool!”
KITTY: “Well, you are welcome Steven. See Eric, I told you I was cool!”
RED: “Eric, did you tell your mother that she‘s not cool?”
ERIC: “What? Well…”
RED: “Well stop telling your mother that she's not cool!”
ERIC: “Fine mom. You're super fly!”
KITTY: “Well, thanks honey… Steven would you like maple syrup or blueberry syrup?”
HYDE: “You have syrup? Man, I love it here!”
ERIC: “And we love having you here man. You're like the brother I never had. I mean, I have a sister, but I hate her so this is great!”
RED: “Eric, after breakfast, I want you to rake the yard.”
ERIC: “Rake? But dad, I was gonna…”
HYDE: “I'll do it!”
RED: “Okay Steven!”
ERIC: “Oh my God! I love my new brother!”
RED comes in.
RED: “Hey Kitty, look who's back in town!”
BULL comes in.
KITTY: “Oh my God!”
KITTY: “Oh! Bull MacCrack and I thought you were in Chicago!”
BULL: “No, but I came back to Point Place to stay with this old S.O.B!”
RED and KITTY laugh.
RED: “Hey Bull, you still uh, you still with Wendy?”
HE sits down and BULL joins him.
BULL: “Oh, no, no, no, no. I got married. Wendy was a couple dozen ladies ago.”
KITTY: “Well, now boy that is a lot of ladies!”
RED: “Hey, you remember when our destroyer got strafed? And you got four chunks of hot shrapnel right in the knee!”
BULL: “Five. I still limp when it rains.”
RED: “Ouh. Yeah. Great times!”
BULL: “Oh! The greatest!”
They clink beer cans.
FEZ and KELSO are eating Pop Rocks. JACKIE watches FEZ.
FEZ: “It is popping! Help me it is popping in my mouth!”
JACKIE: “Fez, Fez, they're Pop Rocks. Okay, that's what they do, they pop!”
KELSO has a blissful look on his face.
KELSO: “Hey Jackie, you know what'd be cool to do with these in your mouth?”
ERIC and DONNA come in.
ERIC: “Oh, hey Donna, look everyone's here! And I thought we'd be alone! Phew!”
FEZ: “Oh, I get it! They want to make out.”
KELSO gets up and hands ERIC a packet of Pop Rocks.
KELSO: “Pss! For her pleasure!”
JACKIE joins KELSO at the door.
FEZ: “Well, if I can't watch them make out, can I watch you two make out?”
KELSO: “Yeah, sure.”
KELSO: “I mean, no Fez!”
JACKIE leaves. KELSO gives FEZ a thumbs up and they both leave. ERIC and DONNA sit down.
ERIC: “Well, I don't know about you, but “MacCail's Navy” makes me feel extra sexy!”
THEY start making out. HYDE comes down the stairs.
HYDE: “Hey, take it outside, I gotta do my homework here Frenchie!”
ERIC: “Ha ha ha, good one. Now get out.”
HYDE: “No, I'm serious man. Your mom just found out I failed a test.”
DONNA: “She yell at you?”
HYDE: “No. But she said she was really disappointed and then, before I knew what I was doing, I told her I'd try harder!”
KITTY comes down with a plate.
KITTY: “Oh, okay, now here I brought you a sandwich to help you study.”
HYDE: “Oh, thanks Mrs. Forman.”
KITTY: “Eric, Steven is studying, don't bother him. Why don't you and Donna go up to your bedroom?”
DONNA and ERIC look at each other.
THEY run for the stairs. KITTY, realizing her mistake, jumps up and stands between them and the stairs.
KITTY: “I mean no, no, bad idea. Just go outside to a well lit, supervised area and talk politely like decent young adults!”
SHE pushes them to the door.
ERIC: “Gee Whiz! That sounds super mom!”
PINCIOTTI'S LIVING ROOM
ERIC and DONNA are making out on the couch. We hear BOB and MIDGE arguing from outside.
MIDGE: “Here's a crazy idea! Why don't you do the dishes Bob?”
BOB: “Why don't I do the dishes? I work all day!”
ERIC and DONNA stop kissing.
MIDGE: “Well, I meditate all day!”
BOB: “Why don't you meditate over the sink and wash the dishes!”
BOB and MIDGE come in. ERIC and DONNA move away from each other.
MIDGE: “Donna, will you tell your father he's a jackass!”
BOB is pouring a glass of Scotch.
BOB: “Donna, your mother was fine until she met those feminists and started thinking!”
MIDGE: “Well, excuse me Bob, but I'm not happy!”
SHE leaves the room crying.
BOB: “Really? Really? Well I'm ecstatic!”
HE turns to ERIC.
BOB: “You better watch out Eric, ‘cause it's all fun when you're making out on the couch, but then they get bigger and bitchier!”
HE looks at DONNA.
BOB: “Hey, no offense honey.”
BOB looks at ERIC and nods, then he leaves. DONNA looks on the verge of crying.
ERIC: “You're not gonna get bitchier, are you?”
DONNA: “Shut up!”
ERIC: “Oh, no.”
BULL'S HOT TUB
RED, KITTY, BULL and his WIFE are in the hot tub in the yard. THEY're sipping drinks.
KITTY: “Well, Bull, I can't believe you finally settled down with a nice girl.”
WIFE: “Oh, well, he may have settled down alright, but I'm not that nice!”
THEY all laugh.
BULL: “You know Red, I noticed in the paper that your plant's closing down.”
RED: “Yeah. We can't compete with those damn foreign cars. I tell you, if I'd seen this coming, I'd shot a little straighter during the war.”
BULL: “You know, I'm opening another hot tub store right here in Point Place. I'm telling you pal, you've always got a job whenever you want it.”
RED: “I don't know Bull, this thing's pretty hot. Oh, that jet just hit me right in the keister!”
BULL: “Yeah, believe it or not, some people like that!”
RED: “You wanna ease back on the hooch there Kitty, you're getting a little loose.”
KITTY: “Oh, I am just, I am just happy! It's like, it's like a bath, only it's outside. It's fun!”
RED: “You got a real nice setup here. I sure do like that Corvette of yours.”
BULL: “Oh, yeah baby, that thing. You remember when we got back from Korea we were both gonna buy them.”
RED: “Yeah. I never did get a Corvette, got two kids instead.”
BULL: “Kids? That's great!”
RED: “Yeah. I sure did want that Corvette…”
HYDE is cleaning the garage.
KELSO: “Okay, you're done cleaning the garage. Let's play some ball!”
HYDE: “Hang on man, I gotta take out the trash.”
KELSO: “You know Hyde, seeing you work hard and take pride in what you do, I've lost a lot of respect for you man.”
FEZ: “You used to be my hero, my lazy American hero.”
ERIC: “Don't listen to them Hyde, I think it's great you're doing all my chores.”
RED goes to the garage.
RED: “Wow, Eric! Great job on the garage!”
HYDE glares at him.
ERIC: “Hyde did it.”
RED: “Yeah well, I should've known. It's actually clean. Nice going.”
HE hands HYDE some money. ERIC puts his hand out.
RED: “What did you do?”
ERIC: “I… love you.”
RED: “Well, I love you too.”
HE shakes his hand and leaves.
THE DINING ROOM
KITTY: “Dinner kids! Okay, now, that was Bull on the phone and he has invited us to a party on Saturday night!”
KITTY: “What's wrong?”
RED: “Well, it's just that I look at what Bull has and I look at what I have and I wonder if I made a few wrong turns, Kitty.”
KITTY: “Well, maybe you'll have a fresh start working for Bull.”
RED: “Yeah! I mean I fought for my country! I deserve a Corvette!”
LAURIE, ERIC and HYDE come in and take their seats.
KITTY: “Okay, well, here we all are! So, honey, how did you do on your history paper?”
ERIC: “Oh, well, History's…”
KITTY: “Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was talking to Steven.”
HYDE: “Well, I must say all that studying really paid off.”
LAURIE: “Oh yeah, what'd you get? A D?”
HYDE: “No. A C minus.”
RED and KITTY cheer.
ERIC: “I got a B.”
RED: “You couldn't get an A?”
KITTY: “Oh honey, don't listen to your father. You did super. And Steve, you did super duper!”
ERIC: “Why does he get a duper?”
RED: “Guys, we expect more from you.”
HYDE: “Yeah, gimme a break Forman, I don't have a mommy.”
LAURIE: “Don't sweat it Eric, you can only be as smart as God made you… or didn't.”
ERIC: “Alright Laurie didn't you just flunk out of college?”
LAURIE: “Hey, get bend!”
ERIC: “Wear a bra!”
HYDE: “Hey, can we please not fight?”
ERIC and LAURIE look at him.
LAURIE, using a little girly voice : “Can we please not fight?”
ERIC: “Can you please not suck!”
LAURIE: “Good one Eric!”
ERIC: “Yeah, thank you.”
RED: “Alright everybody, shut up! Now, we're gonna have a nice dinner. Eric, try to be more like Steven.”
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
LAURIE is watching T.V. and ERIC comes down the stairs.
ERIC: “Hey where's Hyde?”
LAURIE: “Mom and Dad are giving him a bath.”
ERIC: “Yeah. Poor him.”
LAURIE: “I don't know, who cares? Shut up, I'm watching T.V. . I hate you.”
ERIC: “You're just jealous right, because you're not number one anymore.”
LAURIE: “Well, if I'm not number one, guess who's number three!”
THE picture becomes black and white.
ANNOUNCER: “So your parents have brought a new bundle of joy into your home.”
KITTY, HYDE and RED come in, holding hands. THE TITLE TO THE MOVIE IS: “THE NEW ARRIVAL”.
ANNOUNCER: “And you might feel like your parents don't love you anymore. But that's not true! They simply love you less! You see, your parents only have so much love to go around.”
SCENE changes and we see RED and KITTY in front of a chart while ERIC is sitting watching.
ANNOUNCER: “Here's how your parents' love was distributed before the new arrival.”
KITTY shows him a 90% you and a 10% each other chart.
ANNOUNCER: “And here it is after.”
THEY show him a new chart that has 89% new arrival, 10% each other and 1% you.
ANNOUNCER: “But what can you do about it? Well you could run away.”
ERIC is walking to the door with a stick and a bundle.
ANNOUNCER: “Ho Oh! As if they'd come and look for you! Say, here's something you can do.”
ERIC, KITTY and RED are singing in front of the piano.
ANNOUNCER: “Think of all the good times you've had with your family…”
IMAGE changes and HYDE is sitting with RED and KITTY at the piano. ERIC is outside.
ANNOUNCER: “Because they're all over now!”
ERIC knock on the window and KITTY just draws the curtains on him. THE END.
JOY, BULL'S WIFE is walking to RED, BULL and BOB with drinks.
JOY: “Okay, here we go. Scotch rocks.”
SHE hands RED a glass.
JOY: “Scotch rocks.”
SHE hands BULL a glass.
JOY: “And a mango Marguerita.”
SHE hands BOB a glass.
RED: “He was in the national guard.”
JOY: “Oh, you know, I almost forgot.”
SHE reaches over and takes a glass jar with some keys in it.
JOY: “I'm gonna need your car keys.”
RED: “How drunk you think I'm gonna get, huh?”
HE puts his keys in the jar.
BULL: “Hopefully drunk enough!”
SHE turns to BOB.
BOB: “My wife's got my keys.”
HE leaves .
RED: “You know Bull, if you were serious, I'll take that job!”
BULL: “You got it. Hey it'll be just like old times. Except the killing!”
BOB: “Midge, I need my keys. Sharon, hi.”
MIDGE: “Honey, you remember Sharon.”
BOB: “Uh, no. Sharon is it?”
SHARON: “You are so funny! How do you keep your hands off him?”
MIDGE: “I don't know, I just do.”
DONNA and JACKIE are on the couch, talking.
DONNA: “So my parents are like fighting all the time and they want me to choose sides. But I can't because they're both idiots! I don't know, I mean I really think they're gonna get a divorce!”
JACKIE looks at her.
JACKIE: “Oh my God Donna, I am so sorry! But you know what? That very thing happened to a good friend of mine. And now, she has twice as much stuff, twice as much clothes, and her parents fought over who got to buy her a car!”
DONNA: “I mean, you're right Jackie! I mean this whole divorce thing could actually work to my advantage!”
DONNA: “Yeah! I just have to make it very clear that my love is continged on how much they buy me!”
JACKIE: “Why am I even talking to you about this? You have a great handle on it!”
DONNA: “Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you loose your soul?”
JACKIE: “Um, cheerleading camp.”
HYDE is doing the dishes, FEZ and KELSO are sitting at the counter and ERIC is walking around with a carton of milk.
ERIC: “You almost done there, Hazel?”
KELSO and FEZ laugh.
KELSO: “See, that's funny ‘cause Hazel is a maid!”
FEZ: “Or could have called him Alice too.”
HYDE threatens FEZ with his scrubber.
HYDE: “Shut up Fez!”
FEZ: “So, you look pretty tough with that scrubber in your hand huh?”
ERIC: “Yeah, I know, Hyde, Red and Kitty aren't even here. I mean you're kissing phantom butt!”
HYDE turns around.
HYDE: “You know what Forman? I used to think that Red was a real hard ass, but after doing your chores for the last five days, I've come to the conclusion that you're just a lazy spoiled brat.”
KELSO and FEZ: “Ohh!”
FEZ: “Hazel never talked like that!”
ERIC: “Hey! Hey, that's not fair! You've been doing them for five days. Try sixteen years man!”
HYDE: “You know, I guess I'm just grateful Forman.”
ERIC: “Well stop it! You're making me look bad!”
KELSO: “Plus, you've become like a total drag to hang out with.”
ERIC: “Hey, whatever happened to the psychotic trouble-maker we all know and love? Look, put down the dishes and start doing something stupid and senseless right now!”
HYDE: “Forman, I'm a guest here!”
ERIC: “Then fine! I guess I will have to do something stupid!”
KELSO jumps off the stool and almost falls down.
KELSO: “I know something stupid we can do! You've got a bowling ball?”
DONNA: “And they're arguing, and arguing, and arguing…”
JACKIE: “Okay, no offense Donna, but all this talk about your mom and dad fighting, well it's boring me.”
DONNA: “Really well talking about your hair was fascinating!”
FEZ, from upstairs : “Hold it by the thumb hole!”
JACKIE: “Okay, what are those idiots doing?”
DONNA: “Something idiotic. Let's go find out!”
THEY get up and go upstairs.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
THE GIRLS come in.
KELSO: “Don't be such a baby! We just wanna see how high it'll bounce! Nothing bad can happen.”
ERIC jumps up on the little wall behind the couch and KELSO gives him the bowling ball.
HYDE: “Forman man, think! You are listening to Kelso! Don't do it!”
ERIC: “Wait, wait, wait, now you're telling me what to do?”
FEZ: “Enough talk, do it!”
ERIC lets the ball go and it bounces on the couch, then slams in the T.V. . ERIC is in shock.
KELSO: “Oh. See, I never even thought of that. Later!”
HE runs away.
FEZ: “Thank you.”
HE runs off.
JACKIE: “See you!”
THEY both leave. ERIC is still on the little wall.
HYDE: “Ah, maybe they won't notice.”
HE runs upstairs.
JOY walks over to KITTY and shows her the glass bowl.
JOY: “Okay Kitty, it's your turn, pick a key.”
KITTY: “Oh my Gosh there are so many, I can't tell which ones are ours!”
SHE starts digging in bowl.
JOY: “Kitty, don't pick your key because then you'd go home with your own husband and who wants that?”
KITTY: “Oh, I, me!”
JOY: “But the whole point of a key party is to meet new and interesting people and have sex with them!”
KITTY: “Oh my God! You're swingers!”
SHE runs over to RED.
KITTY: “Red, honey, it's, it's time to leave!”
RED: “Now? I'm having a good time!”
KITTY: “I'm, I left the iron on and the stove. I left the iron on on the stove which is also on and that just, it can't be safe!”
RED: “Kitty, what's wrong with you?”
JOY: “Oh, Red! Look who's keys I've got!”
KITTY: “Oh dear Lord!”
BULL: “You lucky bastard, bite her earlobe, she loves that!”
RED: “What the hell are you talking about?”
BULL: “Red, you do know that this is a wife swapping party, right?”
RED: “What? Are you telling me you wanna sleep with my wife?”
BULL: “No. I'll take any one of these ladies!”
RED: “What the hell is wrong with my wife?”
BULL: “Nothing Red! It's just done random, so it's fair! That's all!”
RED: “Jeez, Bull, I thought I knew you!”
BULL: “You do. Red, I'm the same guy who's got shrapnel…”
RED: “No, no, no! Goodnight.”
HE walks over to BOB and MIDGE.
RED: “Come on Bob, they're swingers!”
RED, MIDGE, KITTY and BOB walk out. KITTY takes back their keys and closes the door behind her, leaving BOB inside. BOB looks around. RED opens the door again and pulls him out.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
RED, KITTY, ERIC and HYDE are in front of the T.V. .
ERIC: “Well, it took a really weird hop.”
RED: “Why would you drop a bowling ball on the couch? What good could come of it?”
ERIC: “Well, okay, hindsight being…”
RED: “Eric! I don't wanna hear any more of your dumbass excuses! This is the most irresponsible, idiotic thing you have ever done!”
HYDE: “Actually Red, I did it.”
ERIC: “No, no, no. Dad, Hyde's just covering for me. I did it.”
HYDE: “Hey Forman, stop. Red, it was me…”
ERIC: “No, it was me!”
RED: “Well, guess what? I don't care! You're both idiots! And if you have to get a job digging ditches, you are going to buy me a new T.V. ! Now, get out of my sight!”
ERIC: “Yes sir!”
ERIC leaves. RED looks at HYDE.
HE leaves too.
RED: “I could've had a Corvette!”
KITTY: “Oh Red.”
RED: “No Kitty. Damn it! I'm pissed! I mean Bull's a freak-o pervert and he gets everything he wants! I work hard, I raise a family and what do I get? A bowling ball in my T.V. !”
KITTY: “You know what I've got?”
SHE shows him his keys.
KITTY: “Your keys!”
RED laughs and THEY kiss.
ERIC and HYDE are looking at ads for new T.V.s.
RED: “I want a big T.V. . A big one.”
ERIC shows them one.
ERIC: “Look, this one's on sale.”
RED: “That's last year's model. And my T.V's gonna be new!”
HYDE shows him another one.
HYDE: “What about that one?”
RED: “No remote! My T.V's gotta have a remote. Ho oh ho! Look at this! Twenty-six inch screen! I didn't even know they made ‘em that big!”
ERIC: “Dad, your old T.V. wasn't that big.”
RED: “No. But my new T.V.'s gonna be that big!”