Ce script VO a été migré dans le guide de l'épisode.
Point Place, Wisconsin
THE FORMAN’S BASEMENT
The gang is hanging out in the basement. Fez has his hands over Kelso's hands. Kelso is teaching him a game.
Kelso: Are you ready?
Kelso slaps the tops of Fez's hands.
Kelso: Too slow.
Fez: Oh, I see how this game is done. Now my turn. (Kelso puts his hands over Fez's.) Ready?
Fez slaps Kelso's face.
Fez: Too slow.
Kelso: No Fez, that's not how the game works. You're supposed to hit my hands.
(Fez hits his hands.
Fez: Too slow.
Kitty comes down the stairs with a plate of cookies
Kitty: Who wants cookies? (Everyone takes one) They're carob, nature's chocolate. (They all put them back) Oh, oh, come on, you wouldn't have known if I hadn't told you. Oh Eric, I picked out a really snazzy outfit for you to wear on career day.
Eric: Oh, that's, um, goodie.
Kitty: Well fine, Mr. Grumpy, but I can't wait to show to show off my little man at work!
Eric: You know what, me neither. (To the gang he mouths the words: “Help me!”, Kitty goes back upstairs)
Hyde: Why career day, man? It's so lame.
Kelso: That's just 'cause your mom's the lunch lady.
Jackie: Your mom is Gross Edna? Ewww! I mean...cool.
Fez: You bet it's cool. That's why I'm spending the day with Hyde and his mom. Right?
Red comes in
Red: Eric I need you in the garage.
Eric: Look, I'll be right back.
Red: You can explain exactly what you did to this car.
Eric: Ok, look, I'll see you tomorrow.
THE FORMAN’S GARAGE
Eric is holding a flashlight while Red checks the car
Red: Hold the light steady. Higher. Higher. Not in my eyes. Do I look like the carburetor?
Eric: Not, um, not in this light.
Red: That's one. Geez Eric, you're in high school. You'd think they'd take five minutes out of teaching macramé and show you how to hold a damn flashlight.
Eric: Dad, isn't that what college is for?
Red: That's two. You wanna go for three? Gimme that. (Takes the light) Oh, see the damn thing is shot. I need a rebuild kit. We'll work on this tomorrow.
Eric: Uh, Dad, tomorrow's career day.
Red: Yeah, well I'm working half days. I'll be home by noon.
Eric: Um, I think I'm gonna go to the hospital with Mom.
Red: Yeah, what for?
Eric: Well it's career day, not career half day. (Red gets ready to say something.) Ok, look, that's not three, that's what my teacher said.
Red: Fine Eric. I'll uh, fix the car, and you go with your mom and see if you wanna be a nurse.
Eric and Kitty enter the ward.
Kitty: Ok, so now this is my ward. Um, I have to check with the night nurse, you say "hi" to the girls.
She heads off in another direction
Eric: Hi girls.
Nurse Thomas: Oh hi, you must be Eric. I recognize you from all the pictures. Your face has cleared up real nice.
Eric: Thanks for noticing that.
Nurse Thomas: You know your mom does the work of five nurses. This place would fall apart without her.
Nurse Phillips: And she's so funny!
Eric: Oh, yeah, she is. Um, wait, no she's not.
Nurse Thomas: Oh, yeah, and she draws these funny cartoons. (She starts to unfold a piece of paper) See, now I warn you, it's a little racy!
Kitty runs in and snatches the paper away.
Kitty: Oh, honey, you don't need to see that. It's just um, a certain body part has been shoved up another body part for comic effect. So, um, have you met everybody?
The Doctor walks in.
Dr. Ashley: Nurse Forman, I just talked to the lab. Why didn't you bring down that blood sample?
Kitty: Because you didn't give it to me.
Dr. Ashley: I most certainly did. (Kitty pulls the sample out of his coat pocket.) Well, the next time I have something to give you, you tell me.
Kitty: Will do.
Nurse Phillips: What's his problem?
Kitty: Well you all know my theory...
They look at the cartoon but when Eric tries to see it, Kitty crumples it up.
Hyde and Fez enter. Hyde's mom is stirring a pot of food
Hyde: Fez, this is uh, this is my mom.
Fez: Nice to meet you Mrs. Gross Edna.
Edna: No, no, no, honey. It's Miss Gross Edna. You see, Mr. Gross Edna ran off with Ms. Perfect Ass.
Hyde: But she can laugh about it now!
Edna: Yes she can. Shut up.
Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?
Edna: (Stops stirring and looks up at Hyde) Is he kidding?
Hyde: We can never tell.
Edna: Well, knock yourself out. But if you cut off a finger, you're outta here. Steven, you can start by slicing pizza.
Hyde: Oh no, no, no. I am here as an observer, a fly on the wall, one of many.
Edna: Gee, what a surprise. Lazy, just like your father.
Hyde: No, actually, I'm lazy in a way that's entirely my own.
Fez: You two are hilarious!
Edna: Here, put these on. (She hands them gloves)
Hyde: I'm not wearing these.
Edna: Well sorry, don't blame me. It's the stupid- (She continually coughs over the food she's stirring.) It's those heath codes.
Fez: (Wearing the gloves and a hair net) May I keep these?
Edna: Sure, baby.
JOHN KELSO’S OFFICE
Kelso: This is so cool. My dad's office. Dad's desk. Dad's phone, (picks up receiver) ding ding! My dad. (He hugs him)
John: Oh, oh.
Kelso: Yeah, I love this.
John: Yeah Michael, this is where all the magic happens.
Kelso: Ok, let's get started. Question number one, what's your job?
John: I'm a senior executive statistical analysis technician.
Kelso: You're a senior executive what?
John: Well, in plain English, I concatenate the verse statistical information to maximize the potential utilization of data.
Kelso: So, you give data.
John: A lot of people think that. No. My job's not about output, it's about throughput.
Kelso: So you throughput data.
John: Well, now you've lost me, son. Oh, listen Michael, you know the eight tracks you love so much?
Kelso: You guys make them!
John: No, but because of us, other people who make them are able to make them better.
Kelso: So you fix stuff.
John: You could say that... (Kelso starts to write) But I wouldn't. (He erases it in frustration)
Bob is decorating with balloons
Bob: You picked a good day to do this, Donna. We're starting a three-day promotional sale. You'll finally get to see why they call me Bargain Bob!
Donna: Yeah, Dad, 'cause that's been a real stumper.
Bob: Oooh, you're such a cutie! Well, you keep your eyes peeled and your pencils sharp 'cause you're gonna learn how a serious business man operates. Oh good, the clowns are here! (Clowns walk in)
THE FORMAN’S GARAGE
Red is working on the car. Jackie walks in
Jackie: Oh, hello, Mr. Forman, what are you doing home? That's right, you're only working part-time. If it makes you feel any better, my dad feels really, really sorry for you.
Red: Aren't you supposed to be at career day?
Jackie: No, I'm a Sophomore. I'm surprised you didn't know that about me.
Red: Right, my mistake. Listen, while you're here, why don't you shine this flashlight on that um, carburetor there.
Jackie: Like this?
The whole hood of the car is filled with light, and Red looks at Jackie. Her hair is blowing in the wind
Red: My God! One of you's not useless!
Kitty is on her rounds. She checks on one patient
Kitty: (To patient) Good morning. This is my son, he's making my rounds with me. (To Eric) Now, you let me know if this gets to be too much for you.
Eric: Ok, Mom, I think I can handle it. (Kitty lifts the blanket) Oh, good God! What is that?!
They move on to a patient in a full body cast
Kitty: (To Eric) Remember this next time you wanna skateboard.
(They see another patient with Dr. Ashley.) Dr. Ashley: I have some bad news. (Kitty looks nervously at the doctor. She flips the page on his clipboard and shows him.) Oh, I have some good news!
Kitty is delivering a baby. Eric is holding the woman's hand
Kitty: Ok, now push!
Eric: Oww, ma'am you're hurting me!
Patient: You don't know what real pain is!
Eric: Ok. (Eric looks down to see the baby being delivered, screams along with the mother and then faints.)
JOHN KELSO’S OFFICE
Kelso is still trying to find out what his dad does. John is showing him a chart
John: All right, this is the performance index before my involvement. And this is after... (He pulls a sheet of acetate over that shows the difference. It's very slight. Kelso measures the difference with his fingers.)
Kelso: Ok, ok, so you're responsible for this. (Holding up his fingers to show the change in the charts.) John: You can't credit me with that. That's probably a statistical anomaly.
Kelso: But you made the chart, right?
John: Oh, I wish!
Kelso: So do I.
Fez: Question number three, was the food service industry you first career choice?
Edna: Heck no, Fez. I always wanted to go into show business. In fact, I was in the Sammy Bartlett water show at the Wisconsin Dells.
Fez: Women water skiing in bikinis, very erotic!
Edna: Anyway, I was the top girl in the pyramid, but they fired me for getting knocked up.
Hyde: Oh, let me finish this one for you, Edna. Fez, this is the story where I ruin my mother's fabulous water skiing career.
Edna: Yeah, well, you did. They said a pregnant girl on water skis would make the audience nervous.
Fez: Not to mention you were probably hideously fat.
Edna: Oh no, no, no. I looked great. I kept my weight down by smoking.
Hyde: See, that's that maternal instinct kicking in.
Edna: Yeah, you're damn right I'm maternal. I raised you alone.
Hyde: Alone? Hardly. There was "Uncle" Chet and "Uncle" Larry, oh, and "Uncle" Hot Tub Johnny.
Edna: I suppose I shoulda just become a nun when your father walked out on me?
Hyde: Hell, he must've been crazy to leave all this!
Edna: Always a smartass, Steven, just like your father!
Hyde: You know, one thing he did do right , he left! (He walks out)
Edna: All right, that's right Steven, just walk, just like everyone else!
Fez: (Who's been writing the whole time) Ok, question number four, would you say you are a people person?
THE FORMAN’S GARAGE
Jackie is trying to loosen the lug nut on a tire
Red: Harder, come on! Give it all you got! (She loosens it) Yeah!
Jackie: Oh my God, I did it! (She hugs Red) I did it! I'm changing a tire! Oh, I feel like Nancy Drew!
Red: Well, well a girl needs to know what to do in an emergency. You know, I'm surprised that your father hasn't taught you this already.
Jackie: Yeah, well, Daddy works really hard, so he doesn't spend a lot of time with me. But he did promise me a Mustang for my birthday, so I love him.
Red: You know Jackie, I've been a father for a long time, so trust me when I tell you this. The Mustang’s front end is problematic, get yourself a Firebird.
Dr. Ashley: Ok, let's start Mr. Harris on a full course of penicillin.
Kitty: Oh, Doctor you might wanna consider erythromycin.
Dr. Ashley: And why would I want to do that, Nurse? Kitty: Well, it's just that uh, Mr. Harris is allergic to penicillin and I thought that erythromycin might make him a touch less dead.
Eric: I know that when I go to the hospital, I like to not die!
JOHN KELSO’S OFFICE
Kelso is holding his head in his hands
Kelso: Ok...Do you have customers?
John: No, they're more like clients.
Kelso: But you have clients.
John: Sort of.
Kelso: And you provide them with a product.
John: It's more like a service.
Kelso: A service.
John: Well, not-
Kelso: To maximize the potential utilization of the data.
John: If we did that, we'd go out of business.
Kelso pounds his head into the desk
THE FORMAN’S GARAGE
Red is cleaning car parts. Hyde comes in
Hyde: Hey Red, is Forman around?
Red: No, he's with his mom for career day, which is where you're supposed to be. What's the deal?
Hyde: Man, Edna's riding me again about being just like my dad, so I just took off.
Red: Didn't your dad take off?
Hyde: Irony, far out.
Red: Look, you and your mom have a bad history and neither of you can nurture the other's self esteem because of past criticism and shame.
Hyde: Are you ok?
Red: Well, I'm working half days, I do watch a lot of Donahue.
Jackie rolls out from under the car
Jackie: Ok, I'm not sure, but I think I found the new joint.
Red: God bless you, Jackie.
Jackie: Ok, I'm going back in. (She rolls back under.)
Kitty pokes her head out from a patient's room.
Kitty: Could someone please help me get Mr. Anderson on the gurney, please?
Eric: Oh, I'll give you a hand Mom.
They both go in. Eric grabs the man by the feet.
Eric: So, what's wrong with him?
Kitty: He's dead.
Eric: (Lets go) Oh my God! He's what? Didn't we just see this guy a half an hour ago?
Kitty: Oh, um, honey he was dead then. I just, I didn't have the heart to tell you. I'm so sorry you didn't get a chance to meet him.
Eric: Wait, Mr. Anderson? Isn't this the guy you always talked about at dinner, the guy who's daughter just got married?
Kitty: Yeah, yeah, he just showed me the pictures. It was a beautiful wedding. I'm gonna miss him. So ok, you grab that end. Let's get moving, we have to serve dinner in twenty minutes.
JOHN KELSO’S OFFICE
He's showing Kelso some papers
John: And then we look at the chi squared here, apply the standard deviation here, and correlate the results with the actualization medium here, and that's what I do. I can't make it any clearer than that.
Kelso: I'm just gonna say you're a farmer.
Bob is dressed as a ring master
Donna: Ok, next question. What has this job taught you?
Bob: One thing I've learned, midgets make money. I don't know why, people see a midget, they wanna buy a blender. I guess it reminds them that life is short. (he laughs) Write, write, write.
Donna: (Thinking as she writes) Marketing is important. Know your customer.
Bob: (reading over her shoulder) Hey, that's not what I said. None of this is what I said.
Donna: Well sure it is, Dad. I mean, I just cleaned up the language a bit to make you sound more dignified.
Bob: Dignified? What are you saying, you're embarrassed by me? What have I ever done that's embarrassing?
Donna: Just look around.
Bob: All right, let me tell you what I see. You see clowns, I see your tuition at Harvard. You see your dad as a ring master, I see you going to grad school. You see a chimpanzee in a tutu, ok, that just makes me laugh.
Donna: The chimp is cute.
Bob: (Takes of his hat, his perm is squashed.) The point is, Donna, you're capable of great things, and if this is what I have to do so you can achieve 'em, then that's what I'll do.
Donna: Oh geez, Dad, I feel really bad.
Bob: Ay ay, no one feels really bad around Bargain Bob...unless you get bit by a monkey.
Kitty and Eric are going home in the Toyota. Kitty is singing along with the radio
Kitty: (Singing) Bad, Bad, Blood, Blood, Is taking you for a ride. The only good thing about bad blood's lettin' it die.
Eric: Mom, how do you do this every day? You're always running around and people are sick and dying.
Kitty: (Singing) Do run, do run, di di di do run run. Do run, do run, di di di do run run.
Eric: I mean, poor Mr. Anderson. Look, you knew this guy, Mom! How do you deal with all this?
Kitty: (Singing) Here we go now. Bad (Points to Eric)
Kitty/Eric: The picture's in the smile. The lie is on the lips, such an evil child!
Edna and Fez are dancing to the same song Eric and Kitty were singing to while cleaning up. Fez is about to throw some food away
Edna: Whoa, what are you doing?!
Fez: Throwing out the disgusting used meat.
Edna: No, no, no sweetie, you gotta toss that in the chili bucket. ( Pointing to a garbage pail)
Fez: The chili bucket? I thought that was the garbage.
Edna: Oh no, have you thrown a lot in there?
Edna: Well, most things just break down in there, it'll be fine.
Hyde walks in
Edna: Steven, you came back. You don't know what that means to me.
Hyde: Oh yeah?
Edna: Yeah. Honey, could you clean up those pizza trays, I'm gonna skip out early.
Fez: (To Hyde) Mmm, guess what I did in the chili bucket? Go 'head, guess.
Edna: (About to leave.) Uh, Steven, I'm sorry. I'm not being a very good mom, am I?
Edna: All right, I got a better idea. Let's do something together. Come on, I'll buy ya a beer.
Hyde: (Skeptical) A beer? (getting over it) Well yeah, that actually sounds great.
Edna: Come on. You got your fake I.D.?
Hyde: You know it.
Edna: That's my boy.
THE FORMAN’S BASEMENT
The gang is finishing up their reports.
Kelso: Autumn is harvest time for the farmer. At dawn, my dad and I were out in the field picking carrots fresh off the trees.
Hyde: Kelso carrots don't- (considering) That's good, you should put that down.
Donna: So what do you guys wanna do when you graduate?
Eric: Oh, um, not touch dead people, ever.
Fez: I want to go back to my homeland with all the knowledge I've learned in Wisconsin, and rule with an iron fist!