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Point Place, Wisconsin
THE FORMAN’S BASEMENT
Hyde, Kelso, Eric, and Fez are hanging out in the basement.
Hyde: You and Jackie did not do it.
Kelso: No, we so did it!
Fez: You're always saying that you did it.
Eric: Kelso, she wears the pants and they have never come off.
Kelso: Look at my face. This is the face that did it.
Fez: Holy smokes, I think he did it.
Hyde/Eric/Fez: Kelso did it!
Hyde: Yeah congratulations man. Plus you did it in record time.
Kelso: Yeah, you think?
Hyde: No, you moron! You've been kissing her ass for over a year!
Kelso: Yeah, well that's all over man. It's hard to explain to you kids that have never had sex before, but when you're with a woman something chemical happens to her. Now Jackie's totally different. She's like my love slave. Oh yeah, I'm that good!
Donna and Jackie come in
Donna: Hey guys.
Jackie: (To Kelso) Hi sweetie, how are you?
Kelso: Well actually I'm a little bit chilly, but I left my coat up in the car.
Jackie: Oh, I'll go get it for you! Miss me.
She goes out to get it
Kelso: Randy little thing, isn't she?
Eric: Ok, that was so cool!
Eric: And by cool I mean wrong and stupid.
Hyde: Alright, shut up, shut up! Wrestling's back on.
Donna: Oh I love wrestling. (She get's Eric in a head lock and in the process pushes his face into her chest.) Come on, you're not even fighting back!
Hyde: Why would he fight back?
They hear an announcement on TV that Eric's favorite wrestler, Rocky Johnson, is coming to Kenosha to wrestle midgets
Eric: Rocky Johnson's coming to Kenosha, oh man we gotta go!
Hyde: I'm in. I love midgets man.
Red: (From upstairs) Eric, I need to see you up here.
Eric: Ok, I'll be right up.
(He doesn't move.)
Fez: You're not going up?
Eric: I'll go up when I'm ready.
THE FORMAN’S KITCHEN
Laurie's home from college. Kitty is folding her laundry
Laurie: So I just said to myself, "I don't care if all I have is dirty laundry and no money. I'm going home to see my parents because I love them very much."
Kitty: Oh my. Oh well, will you look at these!
She holds up a pair of boxer shorts
Laurie: Yeah Mom, all the girls are wearing them. (Eric comes in) Eric, where have you been?
Red: Yeah Eric, I called you five minutes ago.
Eric: I was watching wrestling.
Red: Did you take those books back to the library like I asked you to?
Eric: Uh, yeah, I took 'em back.
Red: Well then why did I see them in the backseat of your car?
Eric: Well I took them back to the car, which means that they're practically at the library.
Laurie: You know Dad, I feel sorry for all the good kids who wanted to read those books. That's who I feel sorry for.
Eric: Ok it's five books, a nickel a book, big deal, I'm out a quarter.
Red: It's not about the money, son. It's about the rules. And without the rules we might as well all be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
Eric: Uh, ok.
Red: The library closes in a half an hour, so get your ass over there.
Eric: Dad, you know all my friends are downstairs so-
Red: Hey, hey, hey pal, I'm not the bad guy here. Now you screwed yourself when you didn't return those books. Now go!
Eric: Ok. No.
Red: (He gets up and walks over to Eric) Did you say "No"? Are you telling me "No"? Is that what I'm hearing?
They stare each other down as old western music plays
Kitty: Oh dear.
THE FORMAN’S KITCHEN
Red is reading the paper and Kitty is setting the table
Kitty: You know what's interesting?
Kitty: When you talk to Laurie you actually have a conversation, but with Eric you just give orders.
Red: Kitty, he said "No" to me.
Kitty: Well he's getting older, Red. I think it's time you two developed a friendship. 'Cause if you don't he'll move away and we'll never see him again. Is that what you want? Red?!
Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too...twitchy.
Kitty: Well, Red, until I see you make some kind of effort, I'm gonna keep bringing it up.
Red: Threats aren't gonna work Kitty.
Kitty: In the middle of every newspaper you're reading, every nap you're taking, every football game you're watching, I'll be there talking, talking, talking, talking.
THE PINCIOTTI’S KITCHEN
Bob, Donna and Midge are having dessert
Midge: I'm thinking of starting therapy.
Donna: Ok, I'm gonna be...Bye! (She leaves)
Bob: Therapy? That's for crazies.
Midge: You know, the unexamined self is an unfulfilled self.
Bob: How can you be unfulfilled? I put a roof over your head, I pay the bills, I take care of you.
Midge: Yeah, but what do I do?
Bob: You fill out that sweater real nice.
Midge: What?! You...Oh!
She runs out of the kitchen
Bob: What?! That's a compliment.
THE FORMAN’S KITCHEN
Red, Kitty and Eric are sitting at the table, Laurie is sitting at the counter
Kitty: Sit down Laurie, have some ribs.
Laurie: Mom, you know I'm on my water and yogurt diet.
Kitty: Ok. Well isn't this nice, my whole family together, mostly, having family fun 'cause that's what dinner's for, right Red?
Red: Ok. So, Eric, what happened at school today?
Eric: Why? What'd you hear?
Red: What's wrong with you? I can't ask a simple question.
Kitty: Red, Red, you need some potatoes! (Slamming the potatoes on his plate)
Red: Um...Good job returning those books.
Eric: Well yeah, I returned the books, even though it was kinda stupid.
Laurie: He said it was stupid Daddy.
Kitty: Ok, ok. (laughs). Eric, what are you going to do this weekend.
Eric: Oh, me and the gang are gonna catch that wrestling match in Kenosha.
Kitty: Oh well now isn't that something? Because a certain Mr. Red Forman used to wrestle in high school.
Red: No, no, no, what I did then was real. That stuff on TV that's uh, that's all an act.
Kitty: Oh I don't know. I bet if the two of you went together you'd really enjoy yourselves. Right guys?
They start to object but Kitty slams her fists on the table
Kitty: So you're going. (laughs)
THERAPIST’S LIVING ROOM
Midge and the therapist are both sitting on his floor
Midge: And I think everyone has room to grow. But Bob is perfectly satisfied and says just being his wife should make me happy.
Therapist: Midge, let me stop you right there. I know we've only had one session, but from what I'm hearing, everything you say is completely right and everything that Bob says is completely wrong.
Midge: I think I'm gonna like therapy.
Therapist: I think therapy is gonna like you.
THE FORMAN’S DRIVEWAY
The gang is getting ready to leave for Kenosha
Donna: Jackie, what are you doing here? You hate wrestling.
Jackie: Michael likes it and anything that Michael likes, I like 'cause I like Michael.
Kelso: Yeah, that's my girl.
Jackie and Kelso get in the back of the Vista Cruiser
Donna: Oh barf.
She goes to the front of the car
Red: Come on, watch your legs. (Closes the back door of the car. Bob comes over.)
Bob: Eh, taking the gang to the wrestling matches, huh? Ah, I guess I'll just sit home alone tonight since Midge is going to some therapy thing. I'll be alone.
Red: Get in the car Bob. (Eric walks over) Eric, give me the keys.
Eric: Why can't I drive?
Red: Because I wanna get there in one piece.
Kitty appears behind him
Hyde: (From inside the car) Hey, can we get a move on?! If I miss that twenty midget free for all, I'm gonna be super pissed!
Eric: Fine, you drive.
Red: You know, on second thought, you should drive. After all, tonight I'm just one of the gang. (Eric gets in the car) This isn't gonna work, you know. We're gonna kill each other.
Kitty: Well fine, kill each other. Just do it together.
Eric is driving. Everybody but Red is wrestling in the car
Red: Both hands on the wheel Eric. Ten and two, ten and two!
Eric: Dad, if you wanna drive...
Red: No, no, no, that's alright. I'm just one of the gang. Yield Eric! That sign says yield!
The scene switches to Red driving. Everyone is silent and looking straight ahead. Red has his music playing
Red: Ah, that's better.
Red, Eric and Donna are sitting together
Red: This is so ridiculous. When we get home tonight you better tell your mother we had a damn good time.
Eric: Well, so far so good.
Red: Yeah, yeah and now I've gotta go spend two dollars for a ten cent beer. (He gets up)
Donna: Gee, I'm so glad our dads came.
Eric: At least yours is leaving you alone.
Donna: Yeah. Poor Fez, huh?
Down the aisle Bob is sitting with his arm around Fez. Hyde is sitting on the other side of Fez
Bob: There I was sittin' in the kitchen, just sittin' in the kitchen when boom, she tells me she needs therapy. Midge and I had a beautiful thing Fezzie, then it all went wrong.
Hyde: Yeah Bob, women are hell. Why don't you grab us all a beer and we'll talk it over.
Bob: I can get you soda 'cause I know you're underage.
Hyde: Bob, this isn't about us. It's about you, and you need friends, and beer.
Bob: Hey, how stupid do you think I am?
Hyde: Why don't we grab a beer and we'll talk it over?
Bob: Ah, no.
Hyde: (Impersonating Bob) Well then Bob, you're on your own.
Fez: See how you drive people away.
They get up and leave him alone
THE FORMAN’S KITCHEN
Kitty, Laurie and Midge are having coffee
Midge: I'm telling you, after my therapy session I felt so loose.
Laurie: Loose is good.
Kitty: If you ask me we could all do with a little tightening. (laughs)
Midge: And, and tonight my therapist is hosting an encounter group, but I'm too shy to go alone. (She looks at Kitty)
Kitty: Oh, well, too bad.
Midge: Oh Kitty, please come with me.
Kitty: I don't think so. No thank you. No.
Midge: You know what this is a lot like? Like when you asked me to help you host the bake sale, only it's different because I said "Yes."
Kitty: All right.
Midge: Oh great! It's a gathering of souls in progress over drinks.
Laurie: Free drinks? I'm in.
Kitty: Oh, that's nice. That's music to a mother's ears.
Red: What's going on here?
Eric: Ok, see that guy getting in the ring? That's Rocky Johnson. Yeah, he's the best!
Rocky starts wrestling a couple of midgets
Red: The best?! They're not even fighters. I mean, it's all tricks. I could get up there, right now and- Hot damn! He dropped that guy right on his head!
Later, Another Match: One wrestler gets the other in a headlock
Wrestler 1: Yeah, that's right, I got him! He's not goin' anywhere!
They continue to wrestle. Wrestler 1 pins the other and wins the match
Wrestler 1: Yeah! (The referee tries to hold up his arm) Get off me! I'm the winner here!
Kelso: Man, It's hot in here, huh?
Jackie: Oh you poor thing. (Takes ice from her drink and rubs it on his forehead.) Is that better, sweetie?
Kelso: Oh yeah.
Donna: Jackie, can I talk to you for a second?
Jackie: Yeah, yeah, sure. Michael-Oww! (Donna pulls her out of her seat.)
Donna: Jackie, what the hell is going on between you and Kelso?
Jackie: Michael Kelso and I have made beautiful love.
Donna: Ewww! I mean...No, ewww. Why are you being such a doormat?
Jackie: Look, I have to be nice. Look, what if he gets bored now?
Donna: Bored? Jackie, he's gonna wanna do it again.
Jackie: So, what you're saying is I'm totally in charge.
Donna: Well, I mean a partner-
Jackie; No, no, no, I own him!
Donna: Well, Jackie I-
Jackie: No, no. Thank you Donna.
Hyde steps up to the concession stand
Hyde: Good evening Sir. I would like a refreshing cola please.
Fez: (Off screen, using a deeper voice) And get me a beer, son.
Hyde: Ok, Dad, sure. And a beer for my dad...You're not gonna get me that beer are you?
Fez: (Walks over) What seems to be the problem, son?
Back by the ring: A wrestler gets thrown from the ring and lands by Eric and Red's feet. They jump up
Eric: What are you doing? Don't just sit there!
Red: Get up you big moose! Look, he's laughing at you.
Wrestler 2: I give and I give and I give!
Red: Boo hoo. Get back in the ring! (The wrestler gives them a threatening look and they sit down.) Hey, this is fun!
Later: Eric, Red and a crowd are waiting by the locker room door. Rocky Johnson walks through
Eric: Hey Rocky Johnson. Hey Mr. Johnson, Sir, may I have your autograph? (He goes straight into the locker room.)
Red: Eric, go in there and get your autograph.
Eric: No way Dad, the sign says wrestlers only.
Eric: So, that's a rule. As I remember, a great man once said to me if we were to break the rules, the world would just be filled with tree climbing crap flingers.
Red: Yeah. Now follow me. You want your autograph or no? (They go in.) There he is.
Eric: Mr. Johnson, you gave that team of midgets an ass whoopin’, sir.
Rocky: When you pile drive a little guy, the whole crowd turns on you. Then when you're standing there, wondering what they're booing about, you get bit on the knee caps. Look at my knees, midget bites.
Red: I wonder if you'd mind giving my son and autograph.
Manager: No. No, autographs.
Red: Look, I might be the only guy in here who’s actually killed a man.
Manager: Give the kid and autograph and then no more autographs.
Rocky: You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. I got a son, and one day he's gonna become the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.
Red: Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.
Eric: Uh, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.
Red: Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.
Eric: Not it's not.
Red: Stop kidding around, Red.
Jackie and Kelso are watching the match
Kelso: You know, babe, a soda would taste pretty good right about now.
Jackie: Yeah, you're right, a soda does sound pretty good. I'll have a diet.
Kelso: I'll have a root beer...Um, don't you wanna go get it for me, sweetie?
Jackie: Ok, let me clear it up for you. GET ME A SODA. Now! (Kelso runs to get her soda. Jackie taps Donna on the shoulder.) Did you see that? I'm the man.
Bob walks over to Hyde and Fez with two beers, sits down, hands them over and puts his arms around the two of them
Bob: It all started about six months ago when Midgie got a subscription to Cosmo.
THERAPIST’S LIVING ROOM
The encounter group is gathered on the floor along with Midge, Kitty and Laurie
Therapist: These group sessions are about testing your boundaries, losing your inhibitions and really sharing with the group. Kitty, are you ready?
Kitty: Oh, um, well...
Laurie: Share a little Mom. Tell us how folding the dish towels just right makes all our problems go away.
Kitty: You want me to share? Ok. Laurie, you're mean to your brother and you're screwing around at college. We don't even see you unless you run out of clean clothes or need cash. The fact is you're an ungrateful spoiled brat. (She breaks into laughter) Well, thank you. That was nice. I love you honey.
Therapist: Well, I hope we're all as excited about this journey as I am. Lets pair off.
The man sitting next to Kitty takes his shirt off
Kitty: Ok, oh. (She grabs Laurie and Midge and runs for the door.)
Midge: I don't get it Kitty. What's going on?
Kitty: I'll tell you what's going on, he's a bad doctor, a bad doctor.
THE FORMAN’S LIVING ROOM
Red and Eric are just getting in
Eric: You know, thanks for letting me drive.
Red: Thanks for not killing me.
Eric: You know, I just had a lot of fun tonight with you Dad.
Red: Yeah, me too. (They get ready to wrestle.) Oh you want some, huh?
Eric: Yeah. (They wrestle. Eric tackles Red to the floor.) Yes! Who's the king?!
Red: Oww, my neck, oh.
Eric: Oh God, Dad I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I had no idea-
Red takes this opportunity to tavkle Eric to the floor
Red: Heh, heh, heh. Now who's the king, huh?
Eric: You are.
Red gives Eric a hug