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ERIC FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY
Hyde is running his hand on a scratch on the side of the Vista Cruiser.
HYDE: Forman man, it's a tiny little scratch and Red's never gone see it.
Hyde gets up .
ERIC: No, Red sees everything. He sees when I put cheap gas in the car.
KELSO: I got it! We'll put my “Gas, grass or ass?” bumper sticker over it! Uh, listen Forman, whatever happens, we'll all take the wrap.
Red opens the kitchen door, taking out the trash. He slams the garbage bag in and then turns around, seeing the scratch.
RED: How'd you scratch the car Eric?
HYDE, KELSO and FEZ: Have fun, See you… later…
ERIC: Well, uh, sir, I was, uh, pulling out of this parking space, well creeping is more like it, I was creeping…
RED: You were screwing around you backed into a hydrant. I can see the paint marks!
ERIC: No! And by no I mean exactly. But it wasn't my fault sir, Kelso was giving me a…
RED: A what?
ERIC: Kelso was giving me a purple-nurple. It's when you grab someone's nipple through their shirt and twist it really hard… until it becomes purple.”
RED: Gimme the keys.
ERIC: Dad, I…
RED: Your driving privileges are suspended until you learn some responsibility.
ERIC: Dad, I, I am very responsible!
RED: No, no you're not. Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.
ERIC: See, when you say it thought, it just sounds weird.
Donna and Jackie are looking at a magazine.
DONNA: Oh my God: ‘Hair does and don'ts of Olympic gold medallists.
JACKIE: Oh my God, is that Dorothy Hamel? She's a virgin!
DONNA: Speaking of… um, You know all those girls at school who do it like all the time?
DONNA: Alright, is it just me or do they seem more relaxed.
The door opens and the guys come in.
JACKIE and DONNA: Hi!
ERIC: Hey, what were you guys doing?
FEZ: They were talking about sex.
HYDE: Come on Fez, chicks don't talk about sex, man! It's dirty!
JACKIE: Yes we do! Especially when it involves Michael Kelso, my dream boat.
HYDE: Oh great, now we have to talk about Jackie and Kelso's sex life. This is my worst nightmare.
DONNA: Alright, you know what? Before you guys got here, Jackie and I were actually having a pretty good time.
The guys look at each other. Donna and Jackie giggle.
DONNA: I know, I was surprised too!
JACKIE: Hey Donna, you wanna go to my house?
DONNA: You know what? Okay.
Thay both get up, take the magazine and leave.
HYDE: What are you guys wanna do?
ERIC: We could walk to The Hub.
HYDE: Too far.
ERIC: We could walk to…
HYDE: Too far!
ERIC: Man, this sucks! I just can't believe that Red took away my car because of one stupid little scratch!
HYDE: I know man! Who would think Red would overreact?
FEZ: I did. I have noticed Red is a real hard-ass. One toe over the line, three
cheeses you're a clobber, you know what I'm saying?
Kelso comes in.
KELSO: Hey guys. Check it out!
He shows them some car keys.
HYDE: Did you get a car?
KELSO: “Yeah, my cousin Sully loaned me his wheels. So where to?
ERIC: You just wanna hang?
BOB: Yes pookie?
MIDGE: Do you want turkey or tuna sandwiches tonight for dinner?
BOB: Tonight? Tonight's meatloaf night.
MIDGE: Right, but I have my class at the Community College in Kenosha tonight.
I told you about it last week.
BOB: “You most certainly did not.
MIDGE: “Yes I did. Remember? You were watching Berretta.
BOB: Oh Midge, you can't tell me anything while I'm watching Berretta! It's complicated!
MIDGE: Bob, I've been telling you for months how I needed to expand my mind!
BOB: Is this about jewelry? ‘Cause I'll buy you jewelry!
MIDGE: No sweety, it's about me becoming a whole person.
BOB: Midgy, don't take this the wrong way, but that's just stupid.
MIDGE: Well I don't think it's your decision!
BOB: Well I'm the man of the house, and I say you're not going to Community College!
MIDGE: You can't tell me what to do you… big...ass!
Red is looking at the scratch. Kitty comes over and bends down looking too.
KITTY: “What are we looking at?”
RED: “That scratch.”
He points to the car. The camera changes angle and we see that there is no scratch.
KITTY: “What scratch?”
RED: “The scratch that Eric put on the car.”
Red starts rubbing the car.
RED: “I got most of it out with a rubbing compound. You should've seen it before, it was doozy!”
KITTY: “Well, that must've been quite an accident. Was he killed?”
RED: “See, that's where his smart-mouth comes from. Driver's safety is serious
KITTY: “Well, you're right Red. We should teach him a lesson. So when he comes home, I'll hold him down and you burn him with a cigarette.”
JACKIE: “Just so you know Donna, when I finally decide to do it with Michael, I have the whole thing planned out.”
JACKIE: “First, I'll be wearing a very sexy reinoir.”
Jackie is on the bed wearing a white peignoir.
DONNA: “Don't you mean peignoir?”
JACKIE: “Yeah, okay, whatever, stop ruining this Donna.”
JACKIE: “And then, there'll be candles everywhere.”
Camera pulls back to reveal the candles.
JACKIE: “But also, there'll be a gigantic banner.”
Camera pulls back some more to show a ‘Jackie + Michael= Together For ever' banner.
JACKIE: “Then Michael will come in.”
Kelso comes in, wearing a silk pirate shirt.
JACKIE: “And the wind will be blowing!”
The wind blows and Kelso's hair and shirt are ruffled.
JACKIE: “Then, we'll have the most magical night of our lives.”
Kelso goes to Jackie's bed and puts his hands over his heart.
DONNA: “So, if you have it all planned out, why are you, why are you still waiting?”
JACKIE: “I want it to be really, really special.”
DONNA: “Oh, I mean, how could it not, with a gigantic banner?”
MIDGE: “Bob doesn't want me to take this class, but it sounds so exciting! It's all about female empowerment. It's called ‘The Woman Warrior: fighting female stereotypes'. That's the professor, isn't he cute?”
She shows Kitty a photo of the professor.
KITTY: “Uh huh, darling.”
MIDGE: “So, you wanna come?”
KITTY: “Oh well, I can't say I'm not tempted. Yes I can, I'm not tempted.”
MIDGE: “Don't you wanna become an empowered woman?”
KITTY: “Well you know, I just, I don't have time to be an empowered woman. I'm just too busy running this household.”
MIDGE: “You're so lucky Kitty. You have it all, a great family and a great career. How'd you talk Red into letting you work?”
KITTY: “Okay, well, one day we sat down, we did all our bills and we realized we were gonna lose the house.”
Hyde and Kelso are sitting in the front and Fez and Eric are in the backseat.
ERIC: “This backseat sucks! It's too small. Fez's leg is touching mine!”
FEZ: “No, your leg is touching mine.”
ERIC: “I shouldn't even be in the backseat. You know, I should be driving my own car!”
HYDE: “Well the reason why you're not driving your own car Forman is because you're irresponsible, and you scratched it!”
KELSO: “Yeah, that's a good one!”
Eric throws his arm in front of him and twists Kelso's nipple.
KELSO: “Ohh! I'm trying to drive the car here man!”
Hyde switches on the radio and starts switching channels.
ERIC: “No , put it back, I like that song.”
Hyde continues spinning the dial.
HYDE: “Pipe down there backseat Charlie.”
Hyde settles for a rock song.
ERIC: “Backseat sucks!”
FEZ: “Welcome to my sad little world!”
LATER, STILL IN KELSO'S RIDE
The guys are eating burgers. Eric opens his.
ERIC: “Oh great, no pickles, now we gotta go back.”
GUYS: “Shut up!”
ERIC: “Hey, why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?”
KELSO: “I don't know, maybe he's like religious or something.”
HYDE: “Wasn't Sully in prison for arson?”
KELSO: “Yeah, people that burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde.”
HYDE: “Why does his key chain say ‘I love Bingo' ?”
FEZ: “Sully must love Bingo.”
ERIC: “Alright, I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't Sully's car.”
KELSO: “Then whose car is it?”
POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM
Fez, Eric, HYy and Kelso are sitting side-by-side.
ERIC: “This is great, I'm dead. You know, when we were in my car and I was running the show, I don't remember one single time we all got arrested.”
HYDE: “That's true.”
KELSO: “Will you just relax? We're all in trouble here!”
Eric looks at Kelso.
ERIC: “Oh no, no, no! No, no, no! We're not all in trouble here! Your parents have seven kids, they won't even notice you're gone.”
He turns around and faces Fez.
ERIC: “Your parents don't even live in this country!”
Eric turns and faces Hyde.
ERIC: “And your mom probably one cell over. So that just leaves me. I'm the only one that's really in trouble here.”
HYDE: “Look Forman, I'll be in as much trouble as you are as soon as Edna sobers up.”
FEZ: “I will be deported. They're gonna send me back to my home land, the beautiful island of…”
Policeman comes in.
POLICEMAN: “Okay, who's the ring leader here?”
Kelso, Hyde and Fez point to Eric.
KELSO, HYDE and FEZ: “He is!”
Policeman gives Eric a dime.
POLICEMAN: “You get one phone call!
FEZ: “To anywhere?”
POLICEMAN: “One local phone call.
HYDE: “So, who should we call?”
ERIC: “I'd call Red, but I feel safer in jail.”
FEZ: “I, um, don't know my phone number.”
HYDE: “Can't call Edna man, it's poker night.”
KELSO: “No offense, but isn't every night poker night for Edna?”
Hyde punches him.
KELSO: “No, no, no, I got it! I'll call Jackie!”
Eric gives him the dime. Kelso gets up and moves to the phone. He puts the dime in and starts dialing.
KELSO: “Her dad's a lawyer. Oh, and she's got a check book.”
Camera goes back and forth from the jail cell to Jackie's bedroom. Jackie is on her bed. When Jackie talks, the camera's in her room, and when Kelso talks, it's in the jail cell.
Jackie picks up the phone.
KELSO: Jackie! Oh, Thank God you're home! I was driving a stolen car and I got arrested.
JACKIE: “Oh, Michael, this is just like the book: ‘Prisoner of Love' where Cliff, the rugged yet sweet motorcycle mechanic was thrown into jail and then his true love Tasha was forced to be a slave before this really rich mean guy.
Kelso is shown as the rugged yet sweet motorcycle mechanic. HE has a mustache and the wind is blowing .
Mini fantasy stops.
KELSO: Jackie, I'm not kidding around! I'm really in jail!
JACKIE: Oh My God, are you okay?
KELSO: Yeah, I guess. But I'm a little cold. It's lonely in the joint Jackie.
JACKIE: Oh my God, you're really in jail! What if you never get out?
KELSO: That would really…suck!
JACKIE: Yes it would Michael. And I promise, the minute you get out of prison, I'm gonna prove my love to you.
KELSO: Cool. Thanks.
JACKIE: Michael, do you even know what I'm saying to you?
KELSO: Yeah! No!
JACKIE: We're gonna make love you idiot!
He hangs up, extremely happy. He sits down again.
ERIC: You two have a nice little talk?
KELSO: Oh yeah!
ERIC: You know what's funny?
ERIC: Nothing because you forgot to ask her for help you moron!
Hyde punches Kelso again.
KELSO: God, you're right! Gimme another dime.
HYDE: We only had one dime! We only got one phone call!
KELSO: God! Someone gimme a spoon, I'm gonna dig my way out of here!
Fez is rocking back and forth. Suddenly, he jumps at Kelso but Hyde and Eric
don't let him get Kelso. Fez sits back down .
RED: Look at this, here we are sitting down to dinner. Eric is not even home yet.
KITTY: Well, honey, you took away his car. He has to walk everywhere!
RED: Walking is good for him.
KITTY: Red, why do you have to be so hard on him?
RED: Same reason my old man was hard on me. To prepare me for the world! You know Kitty, when I was his age, I could've parachuted onto a deserted island with nothing but a Swiss army knife and I had to survive.
KITTY: Well okay then, we've learned something. No sky-diving for Eric.
RED: I tell you Kitty. The world is a tough place. You drop your guard for one second, and they'll kick you right in the ass!
KITTY: Well, you're right. Red, the world is hard, so, wouldn't it be nice if Eric came home to a place that wasn't?
RED: Fine Kitty, when you win the lottery, you can buy him Disneyland!
BOB: I can't believe she went to that class! Married women do not abandon their families.
DONNA: Sure they do dad. It's the seventies.
BOB: I know what decade it is. Doesn't change the fact I'm eating a sandwich
instead of a hot meal!
DONNA: Well, want me to microwave it for you?
BOB: “I just don't understand why she needs this. I've given her a great life!
DONNA: “Dad, that's not the issue! The whole point of the equal rights
amendment is that so women don't have to define themselves by a man!
BOB: “Donna, is this about clothes? ‘Cause I can buy you clothes!
DONNA: This is pointless!
She gets up and leaves.
BOB: Hey, while you're up, you wanna get daddy a beer? Honey?
POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM
KELSO: Eric, you gotta do something man!
ERIC: Me? And what about you Kelso or Hyde.
HYDE: I can't talk to cops man, I go insane with rage.
KELSO: “Oh, and me too. Nuts! Whoi! Eric, you gotta help us!
ERIC: So now I'm back in charge? This is so typical!
He stands up.
ERIC: Okay, you know what? Fine! Once again, I'll suck it up, be the man, and save all your sorry asses!
Eric knocks on the door. The door opens.
ERIC: Officer, I need to talk to you, please.
The officer lets Eric come out. Eric closes the door and loses all his coolness .
ERIC (crying) : “You gotta let me go! Please God! My dad's gonna kill me! He's gonna…
OFFICER #1: You stole a car kid. What kind of cop would I be if I just let you go?
ERIC: My best friend the cop? Look, it really wasn't my fault, we borrowed it from
OFFICER #1: Yeah, haven't heard that before.
Faces officer #2 .
OFFICER #1: Hey, guess what? They didn't really steal the car, they borrowed it from a friend.
OFFICER #2: Oh, actually they did. Turns out this guy Sully borrowed it from his grandmother, and she forgot and called it in stolen. Nice old lady though, she plays Bingo!
ERIC: Oh my God, this is great! So we're free to go?
OFFICER #2: Yeah, which one are you?
ERIC: Eric Forman.
Officer #2 hands him an envelope.
OFFICER #2: Forman? Is your dad Red Forman?
ERIC: Um, yeah.
OFFICER #2: You poor bastard.
ERIC: Well, thank you.
OFFICER #2: Yeah.
He hands him the rest of the envelopes and the two Officers leave.
Eric goes back into the room, closes the door behind him and throws the envelopes on an empty chair.
ERIC: So, call a cab, where's the problem?
KELSO: What? We're free?
ERIC: All charges dropped. Wait, that is what you wanted, right?
They all hug him.
HYDE: Let's get the hell out of here!
They all move towards the door and Eric tries the door knob. The door doesn't yield. They're stuck.
The kitchen is dark. Midge comes in and turns the lights on. Bob is sitting on a chair, waiting for her.
MIDGE: Oh, hi Bob.
BOB: Midge, I, I've been thinking. If taking that class made you happy then I guess I'm happy.
MIDGE: Oh, sweety! It means so much to me and it's only twice a week, so…
BOB: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought this was a one time deal!
MIDGE: Bob, you can't learn total female empowerment in one night! It takes ten
BOB: Wait, unh-unh Midge you're not going back!
MIDGE: Aphrodite, the Goddess of War wouldn't take this, and neither will I!”
She leaves the kitchen .
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Red is sitting on the couch reading the paper and Eric comes in.
ERIC: Hey dad.
He starts running upstairs.
RED: Hold it!
He stops his run. Red puts down his paper. Eric comes to him.
RED: About the car… I know it wasn't… And I… You see when I was a kid… Maybe I came down… Here's the keys!
He tosses him the keys.
ERIC: Thank you sir.
RED: So, where have you been all night?
RED: Yeah, okay.
Red laughs and Eric goes upstairs.
Jackie is on her bed. Kelsocomes in.
JACKIE: Michael! You've been sprung!
KELSO: You don't know what it's like on the inside Jackie.
JACKIE: Did they beat you?
JACKIE: Damn those Police!
KELSO: Oh, no. It was Hyde, but he really frogged me!
JACKIE: Oh, poor baby!
KELSO: Thanks Jackie.
He closes the door behind him.
KELSO: Okay, so let's do this thing!
JACKIE: Oh, oh, this is so perfect! I don't even miss the peignoir, the pirate shirt or the wind!
KELSO: What about the banner?
JACKIE: It's okay. The important thing is I'm here with you. And I'm prepared to
give myself to you, body, mind and soul. Michael, this is gonna be the most magical night of our lives.
She takes his hand and leads him to the bed. They sit down .
JACKIE: Oh, yeah, and one more thing. My parents are at the A.N.P, so we only have like fifteen minutes.
She cranks up the radio, lights a candle. They start making out on the bed. The camera pulls up and we see a ‘Love is … Forever and ever!' poster.
Eric, Donna, Hyde, Kelso and Fez are in the Cruiser. They're all eating burgers or drinking sodas.
ERIC: “You guys enjoying your burgers? Got enough pickles on them? That's how ‘Fatso Burger' does ‘em. Lots and lots of pickles. Yes, yes.”
GUYS (from the backseat) : “Yeah. It's great.”
ERIC: “Got enough room back there?”
KELSO: “Actually, it's a little bit crowded.”
ERIC: “Good, that's the way it should be! Yes, yes. I feel like going to the movies. Where do you guys wanna go?”
HYDE: “Let's go to the reservoir.”
ERIC: “Movies it is. Yes, yes.”
DONNA: “Alright I feel like going to the reservoir.”
ERIC: “Reservoir it is. Yes, yes.”