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#503 : Petites tromperies entre amis


Titre original:
What Is And What Should Never Be (1)
Réalisé par: David Trainer
Écrit par: Will Forte
Guests:  Tom Poston (Burt Sigurdson) et Bette White (Bea Sigurdson)
Date de diffusion: 29 octobre 2002

Alors que Kitty revient de chez le docteur avec des nouvelles renversantes, Kelso surprend Jackie en train d'embrasser Hyde.

Plus de détails

TEASER

(Forman kitchen; Red is seated at the table, Eric at the refrigerator, and Kitty by the sink. Hyde is on the phone.)

HYDE: Whatever. Whatever. Yeah, like I care. All right, I'll talk to you later, Jackie.

(Hyde hangs up the phone and walks to the kitchen table. Eric grabs a soda and follows him.)

ERIC: Eww! Do you mind not getting all gooey and romantic when I'm about to eat my breakfast?

HYDE: What crawled up your butt?

ERIC: You and Jackie. Then you started making out in there.

RED: Hey! No more butt talk at breakfast.

ERIC: Look, if you're not gonna break up with Jackie, then you have to tell Kelso, ok? It's, like, the ethical thing to do.

HYDE: Thank you, Johnny Cub Scout. What are you going to do? Take away my friendship merit badge?

ERIC: No, because Cub Scouts are awarded achievement beads. (Chuckles while Red and Hyde look at him unamused) Badges.

KITTY: (walking over to table with a bowl of food) So, anybody hungry?

HYDE & RED: Yeah.

ERIC: Smells good.

(They all reach for the bowl and Kitty slaps Eric's hand.)

KITTY: Ladies first. (She begins to shovel nearly the whole contents of the bowl onto her plate.)

ERIC: Or ladies only.

KITTY: Oh, well, um…well, it's not all for me. (She puts the bowl in the middle of the table.) I'm eating for 2 now. I'm pregnant!

HYDE: What?

ERIC: What?

RED: Oh, God, no! (He looks at Kitty who looks upset.) I mean…great!

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

(Forman kitchen, right where we last left off. Red stands up from table.)

RED: Kitty…are you sure you're-you're pregnant? Maybe you're just putting on your winter weight.

KITTY: Red, a woman knows. Not to mention, I'm late. And not for work. For my menstrual cycle. Hooray!

(Red sits down and Hyde stands up.)

HYDE: That is great news, Mrs. Forman. (He hugs and kisses Kitty.) Now, stay away from those smokes. If you smoke when you're pregnant, they come out all spindly. (He subtly gestures to Eric.)

ERIC: Shut up. (Stands up and hugs Kitty.) Mom, congratulations. This is awesome. Please love me the most.

(They all look at Red.)

KITTY: Well, you're sure being quiet over there, Red.

RED: I'm…soaking in the moment.

KITTY: Ok, I know this is unexpected, but I just think it's gonna bring us so much happiness, don't you?

RED: (with fake smile.) Sure. You know how much I love babies.

KITTY: (claps her hands.) Oh, what a day! I'm so happy! I'm just-I'm just gonna go throw up.

(Eric and Hyde sit down.)

RED: I just don't understand how this could have happened.

ERIC: Hmm. Maybe it's about time we had "the talk." (Sighs) You see, when a boy loves a girl-

HYDE: He doesn't have to love her.

ERIC: That's true. Anywhoo, the boy's sexual organ-

RED: (Unamused) Hey! Shut it, dumbass!

ERIC: Oh, that kid's gonna love it here.

SCENE TWO

{Forman driveway. Hyde, Fez, and Hyde are playing basketball and Donna and Eric are watching them.)

DONNA: I can't believe they're having a baby.

ERIC: I can't believe they're still having sex. (The guys stop playing ball and walks over to them.) I mean, my dad's back goes out if you look at him wrong.

HYDE: That's why she was probably on top.

ERIC: Thanks. Thanks, Hyde. You just killed a part of me.

KELSO: Yeah, that's why you gotta put on your raincoat every damn time. Well, except for the first time. Free pass!

FEZ: Oh, Kelso, that's just a myth. You're only safe if you do it underwater. Right, Hyde?

HYDE: (Winding watch.) That's right, buddy.

(Donna looks at him in disbelief.)

KELSO: Oops. (Purposely drops the ball.) Little help, Donna?

DONNA: Sure. (She bends down and picks up the ball as the guys check out her ass while cheering.) Catch this, tool! (She lobs the ball at his head, but he ducks.)

KELSO: What was that for?

DONNA: You keep dropping the ball!

KELSO: So I'm a butterfingers! Isn't that punishment enough? Now look. The balls all the way over there in the back yard. A little help, Donna? (She punches his arm.) Ahh! Fine! I'll get it! God! (He storms off to get the ball.)

JACKIE: (walking up to them all.) Hey, Steven. I had a fun last night.

KELSO: (Bounding back to them with the basketball in his hands.) You had fun doing what?

JACKIE: Huh? Hey! Michael! I went to the movies. Right Donna?

DONNA: Oh, um, I don't know. I was with Eric all night. But I'm really interested in this movie. Why don't you tell us all about it?

JACKIE: Donna! Fine. You know, it's that new movie starring that big red whore.

DONNA: Oh, you mean the one where the big red whore is sick of people keeping secrets?

JACKIE: No, no, no. The one where the big red whore keeps sticking her big red nose in places where it doesn't belong?

ERIC: Hey, watch what you say about the big red whore.

FEZ: Thank you, Eric. What did Sissy Spacek ever do to any of you? (Fez looks at everyone angrily then storms off.)

KELSO: Way to go, guys. You know how he feels about Sissy! (He throws down the ball then storms after the little foreign kid.) Fez, wait!

JACKIE: Donna, what is with you?

DONNA: Look, I'm sick of covering for your creepy, unnatural relationship, and I shouldn't have to. I mean, Hyde, you and Kelso have been friends forever, and you owe it to him to tell him.

ERIC: Yeah, this is way worse than when you stole his headgear and used it to clean out your sink.

HYDE: It's tough love, man.

DONNA: You know what? Forget it. You obviously don't care about Kelso or any of the rest of us.

ERIC: Yeah, 'cause when this blows up, guess what, we're all screwed.

(Eric and Donna leave and Jackie turns to Hyde.)

JACKIE: Steven…do you really think we're a creepy, unnatural couple?

HYDE: Come on. It's a crazy question. I mean, if this relationship wasn't just a little bit creepy and unnatural I wouldn't be in it. (He smiles at Jackie and she smiles in return.)

SCENE THREE

(Forman basement, Hyde's room. Kitty and Eric are going through his old baby stuff.)

KITTY: Oh, Eric, look. Your little pink baby sweater. Oh, oh! And the matching pink bonnet!

ERIC: Um, had they explained to you yet that I was a boy?

KITTY: Oh, I am just so excited about this baby.

ERIC: Well, yeah, you should be. And dad should be, too. What's with him anyway?

KITTY: Oh, no, that's just his way. He'll be fine. When I first told him about you he said, "Oh, crap," and stormed out. But then he came back happy as a clam. And then, of course, when you got older, he got mad again. (Chuckles) On account of you not being so very good at sports. Don't worry about your father. He'll come around. He always does. (Grabs a few more piles of clothes and leaves the room.)

ERIC: (walks across the room and gasps as he picks up a blanket.) My banky boo!

HYDE: (entering the room.) Hey, Forman. So, I decided I'm going to tell Kelso about me and Jackie.

ERIC: Well, well, I'm glad you finally decided to listen to your conscience.

HYDE: It's not my conscience, man, 'cause I don't have a conscience. You know that. It's just 'cause, you know, I figured Jackie and I might be together for a little while, so…

ERIC: But, man, she's the devil!

HYDE: What can I do? She's hot.

ERIC: No, you only think she's hot because she's made of hellfire.

HYDE: All right, what if you were stranded on a desert island with her?

ERIC: Murder-suicide.

HYDE: Ok. Picture Jackie in a little bikini made out of coconuts.

(FANTASY: Deserted Island, Jackie is in a bikini made of coconuts and a grass skirt.)

JACKIE: Where's our signal fire? And don't give me any "oh, boo hoo, my hands are bleeding." Suck it up! Aw, damn, I got a splinter. You couldn't grab the tweezers as the ship was going down? Uhh! Moron!

ERIC: (coming out of fantasy.) Well, that was unpleasant.

HYDE: Ok, try it again, but this time, do what I do.

(Same fantasy scene with ukulele music drowning out Jackie's words.)

ERIC: Good God, she is hot!

(Kelso comes in.)

KELSO: Hey, guys. Whatcha talking about?

ERIC & HYDE: Indy 500. (They glance at each other with smiles.)

HYDE: All right.

ERIC: Nice.

KELSO: Hey, can one of you guys give me a ride to the DMV tomorrow? I lost my license in California.

ERIC: Sure, Hyde'll take you.

HYDE: What?

ERIC: Yeah. It'll give you two a chance to catch up. He can tell you how he spent his summer break.

HYDE: Yeah. All right. So what happened to your license?

KELSO: A shark ate is.

ERIC: Really? How?

KELSO: (pauses.) Fine. I lost it. You happy now? (Storms out of the room. Hyde and Eric follow.)

**********

(Forman kitchen. Kitty is cooking and Red walks in the room.)

KITTY: Oh, there you are. How you feeling? Better? I bet you're feeling better.

RED: I'm fine.

KITTY: Is that liquor on your breath. What is the matter with you, Red?

RED: Well, you know-I mean-It's just-I'm not selling the Corvette!

KITTY: What?

RED: Kids are expensive. That's gonna be the first thing to go. I waited 25 years to have that car because we had kids, and believe me, I love them…but this is supposed to be our time. Kitty, people our age don't have kids. They have grandkids.

KITTY: Well, we're having a kid, so deal with it!

RED: Well, I'm having a Corvette, so deal with that!

(They glare at each other. Fez walks in.)

FEZ: Ooh, staring contest. I got winner.

(Kitty shakes her head and leaves. Fez stands in front of Red, waiting for the contest to begin.)

FEZ: Ok, Mr. Red. It looks like it's just you and me. (Red leaves.) Still the king.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

(Forman kitchen. Kitty's eating ice cream in a makeshift Circle.)

KITTY: And here I am ecstatic, and Red comes home babbling about his precious Corvette. Well, I'll tell you something. I may be the one who's pregnant, but I did not get that way by myself. He's the one who wouldn't go to sleep.

JACKIE: You know, Mrs. Forman, there are other ways of dealing with that. Have you tried telling him you just like him as a friend?

DONNA: You're carrying Red's baby. He should be kissing your ass! God. Why are men such jerks? (She looks to the left, at Eric.) Huh? Tell me.

ERIC: Well, I just came in here for the ice cream. So, I'm just gonna make mine to go.

KITTY: Men plant their seed then think their work is done, but women have a being growing inside of us the size of a wine jug. It's gotta come out somehow. Oh, oh, oh. It's like that nature show, you know, where the snake eats an antelope in one bite, and you're thinking impossible, and then it-it unhinges it's jaw, and in it goes. Well, giving birth is just like that, only the other direction. And I need your father there holding my hand and telling me it's ok, because I can't swallow an antelope alone.

ERIC: No, you can't. And no woman should have to! (Takes a bite of ice cream.) That bastard.

**********

(DMV Office, there's a long line and Fez, Kelso, and Hyde are standing in it.)

FEZ: We've been here for, like, an hour, and we've only moved, like, two feet.

KELSO: You think the lines at the DMV are long, you should see the free clinic. Now, there's a wait.

HYDE: Man, you've been to the free clinic?

KELSO: No. Oh, but I did see your mom there. Burn! (Hyde punches Kelso in the arm.) Aah! (Chuckles) Oh, that's gonna leave a mark. Just like your mom did. (Hyde punches him again.) Oh-aah!

FEZ: (yells) Come on, move it! Damn! (Turns back to his friends) Gentlemen, I'm sorry you had to see my dark side. Please excuse me. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. Ta-ta. (He leaves and walks around all the lines.)

HYDE: (Clears his throat.) Look, man, I gotta talk to you…about some things that happened while you were gone this summer.

KELSO: Hyde, if this is about free ice cream, naked volleyball, or a dog wearing a hat and sunglasses, I'd rather not even know.

HYDE: No, it's about Jackie.

KELSO: What about Jackie? She was with someone. I knew it Damn it!

HYDE: Well, you know, you guys are broken up, so who cares, right?

KELSO: Well, I-I don't care. It's just…I mean, she was a big part of my life, and I just hate the thought of her being off with some random guy.

HYDE: Well, what if I told you it was with a friend? Would that make it better?

KELSO: No. That would make it worse, Stupid. Oh! You're messing with me. Ok, 'cause a friend would never do that. Oh, man, Hyde, you got me again. Just like I got your mom. (Hyde punches Kelso, again in the same spot on his arm.) Aah! Uhh! What is with the hitting?

FEZ: (Comes back with a sheet of paper.) Guys…I love this place. I want to work here.

HYDE: You just said you hated it.

FEZ: Yeah, but I went up to the counter, and the guy treated me like crap, but he was treating everybody like crap. Poor, rich, black, white-we're all crap. And look at him. Think he was popular in high school? No way. But now he's the belle of the ball. Well, my friends, it's my turn to get a taste of those balls.

**********

(Forman driveway. Red is waxing the Corvette. Eric comes out of the kitchen.)

ERIC: Hey, I was just inside with mom, and she's really upset, so…I just want to know, what's your problem?

RED: You made me bald.

ERIC: What?

RED: Five generations, not one bald head in my family. Then you came along and-well, look at it. (Bends over and points at his head.) Children make me bald.

ERIC: You know what? Wear a hat. 'Cause mom is really scared, and she could really use a little damn support right now. And I don't usually tell you what to do 'case you usually do the right thing, but this time, you didn't. You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man! (Turns and walks away then turns back.) I made you bald? You made me skinny!

SCENE TWO

(Forman basement. Eric and Donna are sitting on the couch watching TV. Hyde walks in, rubbing his head.)

ERIC: Oh, hey, how'd it go at the DMV? Did you tell Kelso?

HYDE: Nah, I blew it off.

DONNA: What? Why?

HYDE: I don't know. It was just really hot in there.

ERIC: Really? 'Cause I think you chickened out.

HYDE: No, I didn't chicken out, man. I just didn't want to drop the news in front of all those people, you know? I mean, haven't I done enough to the guy?

DONNA: So you felt bad. (Smiles.) Oh, my God. You felt bad!

HYDE: No, I don't feel bad. I don't feel anything.

ERIC: I don't know. I think someone went to Oz and got himself a heart.

HYDE: Shut up, Forman.

DONNA: Yeah, Eric. Maybe we should lay off. He's had a rough day.

(Hyde glares at them then stands up and walks to his room.)

ERIC: I really wanna lay off, but it's just so hot in here.

HYDE: Get bent!

DONNA: He felt bad! I think we really got through to him.

ERIC: Yeah.

DONNA: He's not gonna tell Kelso.

ERIC: No.

**********

(Forman garage. Red is stirring a can of paint. Kitty walks in.)

KITTY: Oh, so you're hiding out here. You got a call from some man about a Corvette. What, are you gonna buy another one so you can ride them around like a couple of water ski's?

RED: I'm selling the Corvette.

KITTY: What?

RED: Look, can we finish this later? I'm kind of in the middle of something. (He kneels down and continues repainting a baby cradle in blue.)

KITTY: Is that Eric's old cradle?

RED: Yeah, well, uh…the paint was all chipped off and…I kinda remember that, uh…that they liked sleeping in this thing. When they weren't peeing and pooping all over the place.

KITTY: Oh, Red…that is so sweet.

RED: (puts the paint can down and stands up.) Yeah, well…it might be fun. (He hugs Kitty.) Hell, this time, we might even get an athlete. (Kitty smacks his stomach.) Oh!

SCENE THREE

(Forman driveway, later. Hyde is shooting hoops. Jackie walks up.)

JACKIE: Hey.

HYDE: Hey.

JACKIE: So, did you tell Michael yet?

HYDE: Oh. Yeah, well, I was gonna, but, you know, the timing just didn't seem right.

JACKIE: Oh, I understand. I mean, it's kind of like-it's kind of like setting your hair. If you don't wait long enough, it's totally flat and blah like Donna's. But if you wait just the right amount of time then it's perfect, like mine. Steven, are you even listening to me?

HYDE: God help me, I am.

JACKIE: Oh, Steven. (They kiss.)

**********

(Forman Kitchen, Hyde enters reading a dictionary followed by Eric and Donna.)

KELSO: So that's what an adulteress is. I always thought that it was a tiny adult.

ERIC: (Spots Hyde and Jackie kissing and turns around, hoping that Kelso won't notice.) Hey, uh…hey, buddy, what do you say we take this party back in the living room, huh?

DONNA: (Donna spots them too, and joins Eric in decoying Kelso.) Um, yeah. That's a good idea. (She tugs on Kelso's arm, trying to drag him in the living room.)

KELSO: But I want a peanut butter and banana- (He sees Jackie and Hyde kissing and starts to chuckle) Why is Hyde kissing Jackie? (Eric and Donna stay silent with sympathetic looks on their faces and realization dawns on him.) What the hell? He's dead.

To be continued...

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