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#414 : La cousine d'Eric

Titre original: Eric's Hot Cousin
Réalisé par: David Trainer
Écrit par: Will Forte
Guests: Brittany Daniel (Penny)
Date de diffusion: 22 janvier 2002

Eric doit recevoir chez lui sa cousine Penny, dont il n'arretait pas de se moquer sans scrupule lorsqu'ils étaient petits. Mais il est surpris de s'apercevoir que sa cousine a grandi... Tous les garçons de la bande en sont dingue, ce qui rend jaloux Jackie et Donna. Mais tout disjoncte lorsque Penny avoue qu'elle est amoureuse d'Eric, qu'en vérité elle a été adoptée et qu'ils n'ont absolument aucun lien familial.

Plus de détails


Fez is sitting on the couch. Kelso is looking in a mirror. Hyde walks in

KELSO: Hey, guys? I'm thinking about getting a perm. Hyde, can I get the number of your guy?

HYDE: I don't have a guy, dumb-ass. This righteous moss is a gift from God.

FEZ: God gave me a perm too, but he hit me below the belt.

Eric comes down the stairs. He is carrying a bucket and gloves

HYDE: What are you doing, Forman?

ERIC: My stupid Cousin Penny from Florida is coming this weekend so my mom's making me clean the basement (sprays air freshner for a long time) And I'm done.

HYDE: Penny?

ERIC: God, she was always such a tattletale. ''Eric's stealing cookies.'' ''Eric's playing with fire.'' ''Eric's touching himself.''

KELSO: Yeah but Eric got her back. He hit her with the old Ben Gay on the toothbrush and the over-the-shoulder wedgie and the butt-face gas attack.

FEZ: Butt-face gas attack?

KELSO: I'll show you later.

FEZ: Thank you.

HYDE: Oh Forman, my favorite was when you trapped her in the revolving door at the library and kept spinning her.

KELSO: Yeah she ralphed and then she had to keep walking through the puddle. 'Cause it's a revolving door. It spins in circles. That's its nature. It just...



Everyone is in the driveway to welcome Penny

KITTY: Penny!

PENNY: Aunt Kitty! It's so good to see you!

KITTY: Oh my gosh, you have grown so... Things have... Good for you!

HYDE: And good for us.

RED: Oh, geez.

ERIC: Penny. You're so... shiny.

KITTY: I am just so excited you're here. I have lots of free time these days, so I've gathered up some local foliage. And I thought we could have a long talk while we make our own potpourri!

PENNY: Well, thanks, Aunt Kitty, but right now I'd just like to catch up with Eric. Find out how he got so foxy.

RED: Okay, you boys be nice. But not too nice.

ERIC: Penny, I know your last trip here I was kind of a jerk, and...

PENNY: Oh God, Eric! That was so long ago. Plus, I can't stay mad at you. You're too cute.

DONNA (walking up with Jackie): Hey guys, what's up?

ERIC: Oh hey, you remember my cousin Penny?

DONNA: Hey Penny. I didn't recognize you without Eric's butt in your face.

JACKIE: So you guys ready for the movies? You can come too. I guess.

PENNY: Thanks but this Wisconsin air is so dry... I really should go inside and moisturize before I lose my tan.

FEZ: I have lotion (he shows her the bottle)

HYDE: I think the best plan is for all of us to go to the movies... except for me and Penny, who will stay here and moisturize each other.

KELSO: What? Screw that, I'm gonna moisturize too.

JACKIE: Michael!

KELSO: I'll just do, like, a leg or something (Jackie looks at him) Fine!

ERIC: Come on. Let me show you to your room.

All the guys walk after Penny

JACKIE: Michael!

KELSO: I'm gettin' Kool-Aid! Damn!

JACKIE: What losers! Did you see them checking her out? Okay, she's not that hot.

DONNA: I never liked her. You know, once when we were little she bit me, so I bit her back. And then she said, ''Truce,'' so I said, ''Okay.'' And then she bit me again. Whore.


DONNA: No, her.

JACKIE: Oh, yeah. Whore.


Donna and Jackie are sitting in chairs, dressed in a bikini

JACKIE: Yeah, we'll show Penny with our new sunlamp tans. How dare she come into our town and try to ''out-hot'' us.

DONNA: I know. I mean, we don't go to her town and try and ''out-whore'' her. Well, she can't just show up all hot, shaking her butt around our guys. If our guys are gonna fantasize about moisturizing anybody, it should be us.

JACKIE: Right. But we're not gonna let them do that, are we?

DONNA: Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.


Red is reading in his chair. Kitty comes in

KITTY: Have you seen that little stray cat that's been hanging around our house?

RED: Oh yeah, I met him this morning. Then he met the hose. Kitty, we don't need more things hanging around our house. We already have Steven and Kelso... and ''foreign kid.''

KITTY: Yeah, but they're always busy. Maybe I should get my own cat. I'm not working. I'm home all day.

RED: Here's my problem with cats. Best-case scenario: You get the smartest cat in the world. He still craps in your house.

KITTY: Well it's just, it would be nice to have something to take care of.

RED: I'll tell you what, Kitty. Instead of getting a cat, why don't we all just stop flushing? t's the same thing!


ERIC: Guys, I'm getting some weirdness from cousin Penny. Earlier, she gave me a hug, but this wasn't a cousin hug. Our middles touched. And not just for a second. She pressed.

KELSO: I've heard of ''kissing cousins.'' But have you ever heard of ''doin' it cousins''? 'Cause that's what I think Forman should be shooting for here.

ERIC: Kelso I appreciate the advice, but your solution to every problem is ''do it with her.''

KELSO: Well, it worked with my old science teacher. C-minus!

ERIC: Well unfortunately, Penny is my cousin. That'd be like looking at my mom and thinking, ''Hey, baby, how''... I'm just gonna stop right there.

FEZ: I've thought that about your mom, but I didn't stop right there.

Eric thumps him


Kitty is sitting at the table. Red comes in with a box

RED: Surprise! This oughta keep you company during the week.

KITTY: Roy's Pet Store? Red, you got me a cat!

RED: Well, it's like a cat.

KITTY: A fish? Red, it's a fish.

RED: See? It's like a cat. They're both pets.

KITTY: No they're not. Pets are called ''pets'' because you pet them. How do I pet this thing?

RED: Well you just reach in and corner it and give it a rub. That's the thing about fish: They just love the feel of the human hand.


Jackie and Donna are sleeping. Under the sun tan lamps... Donna wakes up and looks in a mirror

DONNA: Jackie! Jackie, wake up.

JACKIE: Oh, my God. Donna, you're totally burned.

DONNA: Really? (she hands Jackie the mirror)

JACKIE: What have you done to me?

DONNA: Me? This was your stupid idea.

JACKIE: Did you call me ''stupid''? (she hits Donna on the arm)

DONNA: Ow! (she hits Jackie)

JACKIE: Ow! Lobster face! (she hits Donna again)

DONNA: Ow! Little Red Riding Bitch! (she slaps Jackie)

JACKIE: OW. Oh, my God! Okay! Now okay, let's just call a truce.

DONNA: Fine (Jackie hits her) Ow!

JACKIE (being hit by Donna): Ow!

They keep hitting each other on their burnt arms


Kitty is making fish sticks. The fish Red gave her is on the counter

KITTY: Don't look at me. Mrs. Paul killed these (she feeds him) Here. So... must get pretty boring living in a fishbowl, huh? Gets pretty boring around here too. You know, I used to work at a hospital and taking care of people... It felt so good to be needed. You know like-like part of a team? (we see and hear Kitty now from the view of the fish. Pretty scary) You know, people really depended on me, which I kind of miss. Oh, at least I don't... I don't miss the bedpans. Hahahahaha!


Eric is sitting on the corner of his bed, dressed in his pyjama's. Penny is dressed in tight sports gear, doing exercises

PENNY: Are you sure it's okay for me to do my yoga in here? Do Aunt Kitty and
Uncle Red allow girls in your room?

ERIC: Well you're my cousin, so you don't even really count as a girl. You're like a rock. A moving, talking, extremely limber rock.

PENNY (bending over backwards): Ooh, that's nice. Peterson's Auto Shop.

ERIC: What?

PENNY: Peterson's Auto Shop. That's what my T-shirt says. I noticed you were trying to read it.

ERIC: That's... Yes. Yes, I was. I uh... I kinda have like, a passion for T-shirt logos. Okay, well, bedtime for this logo fan, okay? (squeaky voice) Off you go (Penny leaves) Uh-oh. Naughty thoughts a-brewin'.


Breakfast is on. Eric is staring at Penny's chest

RED: Penny, you're cold. Go get a sweatshirt.

PENNY: Oh. Okay, Uncle Red.

RED: Eric do I have to tell you to stop staring at your cousin? Stop staring at your cousin. Kitty, where's breakfast?

KITTY: Honey, I'm-I'm running a little late. I was, um, redecorating Fluffy's bowl.

RED: Kitty, it's a stupid fish.

KITTY: What? (she picks up the bowl and leaves)

RED: Ohhh (to Eric) Cinnamon toast, get on it! (he follows Kitty)

ERIC (to Penny walking in): Oh so, decided against the sweatshirt. It's a bold choice.

PENNY: I saw Uncle Red leaving and I wanted to talk to you alone. See, I kind of have a crush on you.

ERIC: Okay Penny, okay. Look, I don't know what the laws are down in... Florida. But up here, the cousin-lovin' is really frowned upon.

PENNY: That's why I wanted to talk to you. Last week, I overheard my parents talking, and I found out that I'm adopted. So, technically, we're not even related.

ERIC: Well that's a twist.

PENNY: And all those feelings that I had about you that would've been wrong?

ERIC: Are pretty freakin' right! Bring it in! (they hug) Now you're warm and I don't feel bad about that.


The boys are shooting some hoops in the driveway

KELSO: So Penny's not even your cousin? All right. Well, in light of recent developments, I vote ''do it.''

FEZ: Do it, yellow belly!

HYDE: Look man, if you don't do it... I'm gonna do it. Then I'm gonna make fun of you.

ERIC: All right, fellas. I guess it's all systems go. Just (Donna and Jackie walk up) Hey, let's keep this between us, okay?

DONNA: Hey, what's up?

HYDE: Forman wants to nail his cousin.

ERIC: No. No, no, no, she's not my cousin. She was adopted. And what the hell happened to your face?

DONNA: What the hell happened to yours?


ERIC: Yeah I gotta admit, Donna, that was a nice burn. And I don't mean what you said just there. I mean your face. Nice burn.

DONNA: Hey you know if you ever need a date for prom, you can just flip through the family album.

HYDE: Ooooh.

ERIC: Oh, God. You're just jealous because Penny is incredibly hot... and you're a throbbing red pile.

DONNA: Eric my sunburn will fade, but your shame will last forever.

ERIC: Yeah well, at least my shame won't... peel.


Penny is getting a glass of milk. Eric walks in

ERIC: Hey there's my girl. New logo. Nice.

PENNY: I was just having a glass of milk before bed.

ERIC: Oh well, you know you don't have to rush off. Sit. Come on. Let's gab awhile. So... let's get to the bottom of this crush, huh?

PENNY: You know what I'd really love to do? Stay up late and watch movies like we did when we were kids. Remember? All alone in the dark?

ERIC: That's a good plan.

PENNY: And let's wear our jammies!

ERIC: Excellent addition to the plan.

PENNY: Oh but I usually just sleep in a T-shirt and panties. Is that okay?

ERIC: Well, so do I! Er I mean, you know, man-panties... er... Underwear. You know what I meant.

PENNY: Great. The movie starts at 11. Don't be late.

ERIC: Okay, I won't (after she leaves) ''Man-panties''?


Kitty is washing Fluffy's bowl. Red walks in

RED: Kitty? What happened?

KITTY: Fluffy died.

RED: Well if it's any consolation, fish are never even really alive. They're just less dead.

KITTY: I know. You know, he wasn't good company, but at least he was company. Red, I'm unhappy.

RED: Oh! I gotta go to the store.

KITTY: I am a nurturer. I am not gonna be satisfied nurturing something you'd win at a carnival.

RED: Kitty, what do you want? I'll get you anything you want. Not a cat.

KITTY: I want to go back to the hospital to work.

RED: Oh. As long as it's not a cat, I'm good.

KITTY: Okay I think what you mean is ''I'm glad you're doing what makes you happy.''

RED: Oh of course. And I'm sorry that your fish died.

KITTY: Don't be. I flushed it.


Penny is sitting on the couch, dressed in a robe

ERIC (coming in): Good evening, milady. 11 o'clock on the nose.

PENNY: Well, we're all alone. I told Hyde to amscray for a while.So go ahead, take off your robe.

Eric takes off his robe, he is is a t-shirt and his underpants. He and Penny sit closely on the couch

KITTY (walking in from Hyde's room): Penny, there's no rat...

Penny jumps up from the couch

PENNY: Don't Eric! Don't!

ERIC: No, I was...

RED: Eric, step away from your cousin.

ERIC: No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.

PENNY: I'm not adopted.

ERIC: Wh-What? What? She's lying!

KITTY: Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her. Now what is going on?

ERIC: I'm... sleepwalking?

RED: And I'm about to be ''sleepkicking'' your ass.

PENNY: Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?

ERIC: A liar who specializes in adoption lies: You. A mean, vindictive person.

PENNY: Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?

ERIC: Yes! Ohh. Mom, Dad, can... can Penny and I be alone for a minute?

RED: No! I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.

ERIC: No. Look, I just want to apologize to Penny.

KITTY: Fine. When you're done, you head right upstairs. I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.

They leave

PENNY: I guess this will teach you to play pranks on innocent little girls.

ERIC: This has taught me a lesson. And that is that I'm not gonna rest until I get you back way worse than you got me! Which by the way, wasn't really that bad!

KELSO: Actually, it's pretty bad.

Kelso is taking pictures of Eric in his underwear as he tries to get away and wrestles with Hyde for his bath robe and when they take his underpants as he runs up the stairs



The gang is hanging on the porch

DONNA: Cousin Penny went back home, huh? Oh, wait, did I say cousin? Yeah, I meant cousin. Looks like that's two hot girls you can't have.

ERIC: Well, thank you for such a conservative estimate.

FEZ: By the way Donna, here's your copy of the pictures.


KELSO: Yeah, if you flip through 'em real fast, it looks like Eric's running.

ERIC: Gimme those.

They throw the pictures around so Eric has to chase after them


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