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JACK'S HOUSE. Jack comes in with a couple of bags of shopping in one
hand and his cellphone in the other. He's talking to Sam on the
CARTER (over phone): How about Monday morning?
O'NEILL: No, I have a thing with someone from CIA, a Johnson someone
or other. It's about that whole Kinsey thing.
CARTER: So, any big plans for the weekend?
O'NEILL (walking into the kitchen and putting the bags down): Oh
yeah. Big. *Huge*!
(We see that Sam is at SGC, using one of the phones in a corridor.)
CARTER: Yeah, me neither.
O'NEILL: What are you talkin' about? I just walked in with a whole
handful of ingredients for my world-famous omelette.
CARTER: World-famous, huh? What's in it?
O'NEILL (taking some bottles of beer out of one of the shopping
CARTER: I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.
O'NEILL: Oh, don't kid yourself. There's a secret ingredient. I
can't tell you what it is or I'd have to shoot you.
CARTER (who has heard Jack putting the beer bottles onto the kitchen
table): It's beer, isn't it?
O'NEILL: Carter ...
(At that moment, a middle-aged man bursts through the kitchen door,
pointing a pistol at Jack.)
O'NEILL: ... let me call you back.
CARTER: I knew it!
(She hangs up. In the kitchen, Jack looks at the man, whose hand is
shaking as he points the gun.)
MAN: You're Jack O'Neill.
O'NEILL: Yes. Here's a better question: who are you?
MAN: It doesn't matter – to anyone. All you need to know is (his
voice breaks and he speaks tearfully) you ruined my life.
SEVEN YEARS AGO.
The man, Joe, and his wife Charlene are browsing around a garage sale.
CHARLENE: We should have gotten here earlier, when the *real* deals
were still available.
JOE: Honey, it's seven a.m.!
CHARLENE: Joe, start over there and see if you can find a lamp that
would work in the TV room. (As Joe heads in the direction she
pointed, she spots something else.) Oh, my lord, look! They have
those old English tea tins!
(Joe wanders around the sale, looking at various things, opening a
small booklet, then putting it down again. Then he sees a small
statue of a woman holding a basket. Lying in the basket is a small
black stone with some markings on it. Curious, he picks up the
stone. As he holds it and looks at it, he suddenly stares upwards in
surprise as he gets a vision of the Stargate kawhooshing. The vision
FOOTAGE FROM "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP". SG-1 are in the Control
Room, having sealed off the area and then dialled out against orders.
VOICE OVER TANNOY: Security breached.
DANIEL: They just got Corridor C-9 open.
O'NEILL: Alright, let's go.
(The team run into the Gateroom and through the Gate. We see
wormhole travel, then the vision ends.)
GARAGE SALE. Joe blinks, then turns around to the man who is running
JOE: Excuse me. (He points to the stone.) How much?
A BARBERSHOP called STYLIN' JOE. Joe, who is obviously the head
barber and owns the shop, is cutting a man's hair. Nearby sit his
colleague Bert and their young assistant Gordie.
JOE: So, there's this fella who walks into a bar and he sees an ape
sitting there ... sorry, no. He sees a gorilla. That's it, right!
There's this gorilla sitting there drinking a coke. So he says to
the bartender, "Hey! What's with that gorilla drinking that drink?"
Well, the bartender says, "Yeah, that ape usually orders a coke!"
(Bert and Gordie look at him blankly.) I mean "a beer" – "usually
orders a beer."
BERT: Boss, is it an ape or a gorilla, cos they're completely
different species, you know?
JOE: It doesn't matter. It could be a monkey. The point is ...
CUSTOMER (FRED): The point is, Joe, it's a good thing you can cut
JOE: Yeah, yeah, very good, Fred.
FRED: Are we about done here?
JOE: All set. (He finishes brushing the cut hair off Fred's robe,
then whisks the robe off him.)
FRED (standing up): Cos someone, somewhere out there, needs
themselves a new car – whether they know it or not, you know what I
mean?! (He takes some money out of his pocket, then raises his hands
in front of him.) I feel the power to sell moving through me today!
(He tucks the money into Joe's shirt pocket.) Boys, been a slice.
JOE: Thanks, Fred.
BERT: See you, Fred.
(Fred leaves the barbershop. Joe reaches into his shirt pocket for
the money, and has another vision.)
FOOTAGE FROM "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP". In the Gateroom on the
Goa'uld mothership, SG-1 are in hiding. Jaffa soldiers, priests and
priestesses turn to face the sarcophagus in the middle of the room.
Apophis' voice can be heard.
APOPHIS: Bow down now. Show your reverence for my son – (Klorel
stands in the sarcophagus as everyone bows before him) the mighty
KLOREL: Kel, Apophis.
In the barbershop, Joe looks startled. He looks round the shop and
sees Gordie sweeping up hair as if nothing unusual has happened. Joe
pulls his fingers out of his shirt pocket to find himself holding the
stone he bought at the garage sale.
JOE'S HOUSE. Joe, Charlene and their young son Andy are sitting down
CHARLENE: Oh, we are reading the best book in Book Club this week.
It's called "The Heart of a Woman". It is such a powerful story!
Oh, every time I think about it, I just ...
JOE (interrupting): Wanna hear a story?
CHARLENE: Oh, sure, dear. I'm sorry – what happened to you today at
JOE: No, it's not work-related. I have a story!
CHARLENE: What do you mean?
JOE: You know, like in those books you read, only ... different.
CHARLENE: OK, sure.
JOE: It's about a team of adventurers known as SG-1. They travel to
other planets through an alien device known as a Stargate. Their
leader is the fearless Colonel Jack ...
FOOTAGE FROM "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP".
TEAL'C: O'Neill, prepare yourself for ...
(The mothership decelerates, and Jack is thrown forward and crashes
into the control console.)
TEAL'C: ... extreme deceleration.
O'NEILL: Yeah, thanks, Teal'c! (He stands up and looks out of the
front viewscreen. His face shows shock as he realises that the
mothership is passing Saturn.)
KLOREL: You will get to see your home one last time before you and
everyone on your planet are destroyed, and your kind will disturb the
Goa'uld no more.
ANDY: So who are the Goa'uld again?
JOE: The bad guys.
CHARLENE: And this Skaara character?
ANDY: Yeah – I thought you said his name was Klorel?
JOE: I know it's a little complicated. Just wait – I haven't gotten
to the good part yet!
FOOTAGE FROM "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP". Klorel is holding Daniel
in the grip of a ribbon device. Jack aims a pistol at him.
(Klorel continues blasting Daniel. With no choice, Jack shoots
Skaara twice. He drops to the ground. Daniel breathes shakily,
trying to pull himself together. Jack runs over to Skaara and turns
him over onto his back.)
O'NEILL: Oh, Skaara. I'm sorry.
ANDY: That's *it*?!
JOE: I think so – for now, anyways.
ANDY: What happens to Earth?
JOE: I don't know ... I mean, uh, I-I haven't figured that part out
ANDY: Well, you gotta finish it, Dad, you can't just end a story in
JOE: I tell you what – you get all your chores done and I'll finish
the story tomorrow.
ANDY: Chores?! What are we, Amish?!
JOE (to Andy): Go do your homework.
(Andy leaves the table.)
CHARLENE: He's gotten so precocious.
JOE: You hated it, didn't you?
CHARLENE: Well, you know I'm not the biggest science fiction fan, but
no, no, it was ... it was just so ... detailed. How'd you come up
JOE: Honestly, I don't know, I ... it just sort of popped into my
CHARLENE: That's amazing, really.
JOE: What didn't you like about it?
CHARLENE: Don't get me wrong – it was exciting. It's just that
personally I like stories that are more about inter-personal
relations, and a little less to do with things blowing up.
BARBERSHOP. The next day.
JOE: A giant fireball in the night sky! (He gestures dramatically.
Bert and Gordie try to look politely interested.)
FRED: You say these folks are a military unit?
(Fred is lying back in the barber's chair with his face covered in
shaving cream. Joe is holding a cut-throat razor.)
JOE: Yeah – they're part of the US Air Force.
FRED: But they travel to other planets?
JOE: Through the Stargate.
GORDIE: Which is a time-travel machine.
JOE: It's an alien device that creates a stable wormhole allowing
instantaneous travel to other worlds. Time has nothing to do with it.
(Bert raises his hand.)
BERT: Boss – a question. Uh, these Goold ...
JOE (pronouncing it correctly): Goa'uld.
BERT: Goa'oo ...
BERT: Never mind. The bad guys. You said they've got snakes in
JOE: Symbionts, yes.
GORDIE: And what about the fellows with the ones in their bellies?
JOE: They're different – they're called Jaffa. They incubate the
symbionts until they're ready for implantation. (He gestures to his
FRED: Now, you see, Joe, that's confusing.
BERT: He's right, boss. Why can't there be just one kind of bad guy,
you know, the snake goes in their head, makes them evil, the end.
FRED: Call `em the snake people!
GORDIE: Yeah, snake people's good.
JOE: They're not called the snake people! They're called the
Goa'uld! And the Jaffa aren't bad guys – they're enslaved warriors
who mistakenly believe that the Goa'uld are their gods. And it's not
confusing – it's complex!
(All through this rant, he is waving his cut-throat razor around.
Fred watches it nervously. As Joe finishes his tirade, he realises
that everyone is staring at him. He looks down and realises how
close he is holding the razor to Fred's face.)
FRED: Uh – edge of my seat, the whole time!
JOE'S HOUSE. Joe is on the phone. A man answers.
OPERATOR: United States Air Force – how may I direct your call?
JOE: Uh, hi. I'm trying to reach one of your officers: a Colonel
Jack O'Neill, two els?
OPERATOR: May I have your name, please, and the nature of your call?
JOE: My name?
OPERATOR: Yes, please.
JOE: Uh, right, right, of course! Uh, my name is Joe ... Smith.
Now, listen, I realise Colonel O'Neill is probably unavailable, off
on some important mission somewhere, but ... I know this is an odd
request, I mean, I don't know if you know Colonel O'Neill personally
but ... could you describe him to me, you know – height, weight, shoe
size, sense of humour, that sort of thing?
OPERATOR: Uh, I really can't do that, sir.
JOE: Oh, of course, sure – national security. Now, am I
understanding correctly that there really *is* a Colonel Jack O'Neill
in the Air Force?
OPERATOR: Is there a message you would like to leave for him, sir?
JOE: That's fine, thank you! (He hangs up quickly, then stares in
shock at the possibility that Jack O'Neill really does exist.)
ANDY'S BEDROOM. Andy is in bed. Joe is sitting on the bed telling
him a bedtime story.
JOE: So, in the end, Rya'c was freed from Apophis' control. Teal'c,
Drey'auc and Rya'c were once again a family.
ANDY: But Teal'c is still going back to Stargate Command to fight for
the freedom of the Jaffa.
JOE: Yes, of course! He's going to take Drey'auc and Rya'c to a
place where they'll be safe.
ANDY: So the Goa'uld won't plant more bombs in Rya'c's teeth?
JOE: That's right. Now, go to sleep. (He leans down and kisses
ANDY: Cool story, Dad! (He settles down to sleep. Joe smiles fondly
at him, turns the light off and leaves the room.)
LIVING ROOM. Joe is watching a basketball game on the TV. Charlene
sits nearby reading a book. She looks up.
CHARLENE: Joe, where do you get these ideas you've had lately?
JOE (shrugging): I don't know.
CHARLENE: Fully-formed ideas, plots, characters, just like that?
They just appear in your head?
(Charlene picks up the remote control and turns the TV off. She gets
off the sofa, walks over to sit on the footstool in front of Joe and
stares at him.)
JOE: Why are you looking at me like that?
CHARLENE: I think you've gotten in touch with your dormant
creativity; accessed your wellspring of imagination.
CHARLENE: I've read about this happening to other people. You're
opening yourself up to your inner muse.
JOE: My inner muse?!
CHARLENE: It's your mid-life crisis.
JOE: It is?
CHARLENE: Except instead of chasing your youth by buying a sports car
or going hang gliding, you're seeking immortality through creativity.
JOE: We can't afford a sports car.
CHARLENE: Honey, it's a good thing, especially if it means you're not
gonna have an affair with a younger woman. (She turns the TV back on
again and goes back to the sofa.)
SIX YEARS AGO.
STYLIN' JOE. Joe is cutting a customer's hair while Bert sits in
another chair with a newspaper. Gordie is sweeping up.
BERT: Wait a second, wait a second – you said Teal'c put his face up
to that head-grabber thing *before* O'Neill. Why didn't *he* get
JOE: Guys, I told you – save your questions until I finish. Now,
what was left of Colonel O'Neill's mind managed to dial a Gate
address ... one they had never dialled before.
FOOTAGE FROM "THE FIFTH RACE". Jack flies through the Gate on the
Asgard homeworld and rolls down the steps. He looks round and sees
two Asgard standing nearby.
BERT: The Asgard? Those little grey guys, right.
GORDIE: Shut up and let him finish, Bert!
FOOTAGE FROM "THE FIFTH RACE". Jack squats down in front of the
O'NEILL: ... and I don't want to sound ungrateful because I really,
*really* appreciate you getting all that stuff out of my head. But
you folks should understand that we're out there now. We might not
be ready for a lot of this stuff but we're doin' the best we can.
(One of the Asgard offers its hand. Jack gently takes it.)
ASGARD: You have already taken the first steps towards becoming the
BERT: Well, what about the Furlings? Are we ever gonna hear about
JOE: Oh, of course! I'm sure we'll hear lots of stories about them.
(Bert and Gordie frown at each other. Joe realises what he just
said.) I mean, I'll make one up.
GORDIE: Furlings – they sound cute, like Ewoks!
JOE'S HOUSE. Charlene collects the newspaper from the front step and
goes back indoors. Andy is sitting at the kitchen table eating his
CHARLENE: Andy, finish up or you're gonna miss your bus, sweetie.
(Joe comes in.)
CHARLENE: Good morning. (She kisses him, then addresses Andy.) And
I want that lawn done today, mister. It looks like a wheatfield's
growing in our back yard.
ANDY: After school, Mom, I promise.
JOE: Son, you get that lawn finished and I'll tell you all about the
ANDY: Cool! (Charlene helps him on with his schoolbag.) See you,
Mom, see you, Dad! (He runs out.)
CHARLENE: The Reetou?
JOE: Foothold situation at the SGC.
CHARLENE: Joe, don't take this the wrong way but maybe you should cut
back on the storytelling a bit.
CHARLENE: Nothing. It's just ... well, I've heard a few comments
from people in town.
JOE: People? What people?
CHARLENE: Not everyone wants to hear about Jack O'Neill and SG-1
every time they come in for a haircut.
JOE: They *like* hearing my stories!
CHARLENE: Maybe they're just being polite, dear. And it's not just
at the shop. Sam at the drugstore said you talk his ear off every
time you're there; and Marjorie at the bank; and Lenny at the gas
JOE: Charlene, you were the one who told me to follow my muse. Now
you want me to stop?
CHARLENE: What if you write them down?
JOE: You mean like a ... writer?
CHARLENE: Put them on paper. You can have them there in the shop
like the magazines. That way, if people wanna read them, they can.
(Joe drinks his coffee, thinking about it.)
JOE'S BEDROOM. Charlene is asleep, but Joe is lying awake, holding
the stone. He has another vision.
FOOTAGE FROM "1969". In the warehouse where the Stargate is being
kept, the Gate is open but SG-1 can't reach it because they're in a
firefight with guards. Jack zats one of the guards.
CARTER: Sir, the timing has to be exact. Just a few more seconds.
O'NEILL: It's gonna have to be close enough. Go!
(As Sam, Daniel and Teal'c run for the Gate, the guards fire at
them. Jack fires his zat back at them. He runs for the Gate and
JOE'S HOUSE. Night time. Joe is typing on a laptop computer,
narrating aloud as he types.
JOE: Young Lieutenant Hammond faced a tough decision, yet the strange
foursome hardly seemed like Soviet spies.
(Charlene comes down the stairs and into the room.)
CHARLENE: Honey, it's three in the morning. Come to bed.
JOE (continuing to type): Just let me finish the story.
CHARLENE: That's what you said last night and the night before that.
You've gotta get up in four hours. How are you gonna cut people's
hair if you're dead on your feet all day? (Joe carries on typing.)
JOE: In a minute. (He keeps typing. Charlene stands behind him for
a few moments, then reluctantly leaves the room.)
FOOTAGE FROM "A HUNDRED DAYS". Jack and Laira are hugging goodbye.
JOE (narrating): They embraced and he looked into her eyes one last
time. He walked away with sadness in his heart and she watched him
go, wondering if she would ever see him again. The end.
(In Stylin' Joe, a woman, Cindy, has just had her hair done by Bert.
Joe is sitting in the chair next to her, having just narrated the
CINDY (tearfully): That poor woman. Do you think she was with child?
JOE: You'll just have to wait until the sequel.
(As Cindy continues to snivel, Joe holds out a box of tissues. She
takes one. Before Joe can take the box back, Bert takes a tissue as
JOE: You've gotta be kidding me!
BERT: What? I've gone something in my eye! (He and Cindy both wipe
CINDY: Oh, you're such a softie! (She kisses Bert on the cheek and
gets out of the chair.) See you tonight, honey. (To Joe) Bye!
JOE: Bye, Cindy.
(Cindy leaves the shop just as the postman, Calvin, comes in.)
CALVIN: Mornin', boys.
JOE: Hey, Calvin.
CALVIN: Joe, uh, looks like you've got some letters from those
magazines in New York.
(Joe jumps out of the chair and takes the letters. He hands one to
Gordie and two to Bert and they all start to open them. Joe read his
first letter aloud.)
JOE: "Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately ..." blah blah
blah, blah blah blah ...
BERT (reading one of his letters aloud): "Thank you for your
interest ... Best of luck in the future."
GORDIE (looking at his letter): See, I'm not sure you should have
sent in this one about Seth. It wasn't one of your best.
BERT (looking at the second letter): They rejected "Hathor"?! Oh,
but it was gold!
THREE YEARS AGO.
JOE'S HOUSE. Joe is typing on his laptop. In the distance we can
hear the TV. From it comes the unmistakable sound of the theme tune
to "Wormhole X-treme".
ANDY (from the TV room): Dad!
JOE: I'm writing!
ANDY: Seriously, you gotta see this.
(Joe comes into the TV room where Andy, now a teenager, is lying on
the sofa watching the TV.)
TV ANNOUNCER: Prepare for an x-treme adventure.
ANDY: Check it out.
(Joe looks at the TV as the trailer ad for "Wormhole X-treme"
continues. The four stars of the show fly out from their version of
TV ANNOUNCER: Four x-cellent heroes in an x-traordinary new sci-fi
TV ANNOUNCER: Starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel Danning.
(Danning punches a bad guy, then headbutts another before looking
around towards the camera.)
DANNING: As a matter of fact it *does* say Colonel on my uniform.
(Joe walks closer to the TV, staring in disbelief.)
ANDY: There's no such thing as original thought any more. We're all
just regurgitating the same old ideas over and over again, running
them down to a giant melting pot of mediocrity.
TV ANNOUNCER: And introducing Douglas Anders as Grell, a robot.
(Joe stares at the screen in anger as he recognises the resemblance
TV ANNOUNCER: Wormhole X-treme, coming this fall.
JOE: They stole my idea.
STYLIN' JOE. Fred is having his hair washed.
FRED: Hey, whatever happened to that law suit you guys had against,
uh ... what was that show called?
JOE: Wormhole X-treme? Nah, it was cancelled only after one
GORDIE: Bad ratings.
BERT: I liked it ... not as much as *your* stories, boss.
(Fred goes over to the barber's chair and sits down.)
JOE: Actually, I have a new one – just came to me last night. SG-1
finds out there's a giant asteroid headed toward Earth.
FRED: I saw the movie. It hits Paris.
JOE: Nah – this is different. It starts when this amateur
FRED: Uh, actually, Joe, if it's alright with you, I'm not really in
JOE: Oh, c'mon, now – don't you wanna know how SG-1 stops it? (Fred
doesn't reply.) Here, I'll just tell you. Major Carter is able to
expand the hyperspace window from the cargo ship until it
FRED (interrupting): Look, no offence, but how many times can these
folks save the world from Apophis? What's it up to now? Five, six
JOE: This story's about Anubis. Apophis is dead.
(Fred rolls his eyes.)
FRED: What's the diff? You know what I'm sayin'? It's gettin' a
little repetitive. I mean, c'mon now – there must be other things we
can talk about besides SG-1. (He and Joe look round at the other
two – they have nothing to offer.) You guys play golf?
JOE'S HOUSE. Night time. Joe is typing. Charlene comes into the
CHARLENE: Joe, I need to talk to you.
JOE: Just a second, honey, I'm in the zone.
CHARLENE: Honey, stop typing.
(Joe stops typing and looks up at her.)
JOE: What's up?
CHARLENE: I want you to stop.
JOE: I just did.
(Charlene sits down beside him.)
CHARLENE: I mean permanently.
CHARLENE: I've been going over our bills.
JOE: Charlene ...
CHARLENE: Joe, you've closed the shop early three times this week to
come home and write.
JOE: I closed the shop because business has been slow.
CHARLENE: And you don't see the connection?
JOE: Don't worry – once I get a few stories published, land an agent,
things'll get better.
(Charlene gets up, picks up a huge pile of letters and drops them on
the table in front of Joe.)
CHARLENE: Three hundred and twenty-six – that's how many rejection
letters you've received.
JOE: You only need one yes.
CHARLENE: They're not reading them any more – just sending them back
JOE: Bert and Gordie like them.
CHARLENE: They work for you – what else are they gonna say?
JOE: You haven't even read them all.
CHARLENE: I read "Holiday", "The Light", "The Sentinel" ...
JOE: OK, I admit – those may have been a few small mis-steps, but on
the whole they're getting better, aren't they?
CHARLENE: I don't know.
JOE: Well, what do you think the problem is? Tell me. Maybe I can
CHARLENE: Well, for one, it seems to me like the team interaction
isn't what it used to be in the beginning.
JOE: You hate them *all*?
CHARLENE: No, I don't. I hate what this is doing to you.
JOE: You really want me to stop.
CHARLENE: Joe, how can this really be more important than your
livelihood, and your family?
JOE: Honestly, Charlene, I don't think I *can* stop.
CHARLENE: Why not?
JOE: These stories – I think ...
CHARLENE: Think – you think what?
JOE: I think they're real, Charlene. I'm not making them up.
They're happening – somewhere. I can see them, and it's because of
CHARLENE (sighing in despair): Oh, Joe.
JOE: I can't explain it. Somehow I think it allows me to see these
CHARLENE (disbelievingly): That you believe are really happening.
JOE: Yes! Here, try it. (He rummages amongst the papers on the
table.) Where is it?
CHARLENE: Joe ...
(Joe looks at her.)
JOE: Did you take it? (She doesn't answer.) Charlene? What did you
do with it? Charlene! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY STONE?!
KITCHEN. Joe is emptying the rubbish bin onto the floor and is
rummaging through the contents. Charlene stands nearby.
CHARLENE: It was for your own good!
(As Joe continues rummaging through the rubbish, Andy comes in.)
ANDY: Woah! Has he totally lost it or what?!
CHARLENE: Joe, please. You need help.
(Joe looks up at Andy.)
JOE: Son, if you know where it is, just tell me. I'm not mad – I
just need my stone.
ANDY (nervously): Mom?
CHARLENE (to Joe): You leave him out of this! (Joe runs to a drawer
and pulls out a torch.) Joe, please! You're scaring us!
(Joe rushes out of the back door.)
DRIVEWAY. Joe has emptied the dustbins out onto the ground and is
ripping open plastic bags and searching through the contents.
Finally he finds the stone.
JOE (triumphantly): Yes!
(As he holds the stone up in triumph, he gets a vision.)
FOOTAGE FROM "MERIDIAN". Jack and Daniel are standing in the
Gateroom. The space inside the Gate is filled with light.
O'NEILL: Where *are* you going?
DANIEL: I don't know.
(Jack nods. Daniel smiles, then turns and walks into the light. In
the isolation room, Daniel's heart monitor flatlines.)
JOE'S DRIVEWAY. Joe is on his knees with his hands still raised in
JOE: No!! (He sobs.) He *can't* be gone! (He stands up.) He's
dead! Daniel's dead! (He sobs, heartbroken.) He can't be dead!
STYLIN' JOE. Joe is sitting in a barber's chair, lost in thought.
Gordie is sweeping the floor. Bert appears to be plucking his
eyebrows in a mirror.
BERT: Gordie, you're wearing out the floor.
(Calvin comes in.)
CALVIN: Gentlemen. Slow day?
JOE (not really interested): What do you got, Calvin?
CALVIN: Looks like a stack of bills, and, uh, a couple more letters
from those magazines.
JOE: Toss `em.
CALVIN: There's, uh, also another letter here from the Air Force.
JOE: You read it.
(Calvin opens the letter and reads it aloud.)
CALVIN: "Dear Mr Spencer, Regarding your request to meet with Colonel
Jack O'Neill: we regret to inform you that ..." (He trails off.
Clearly it's a similar reply to previous requests.) Hey, Joe, if
you're so sure this is all real, then why don't you follow it up with
more than just letters? Well, call them up, tell them what you
know. If it really is true ...
JOE: Are you kidding? I'd disappear in a heartbeat.
CALVIN: You think?
JOE: Believe me, if the government didn't get me, NID are sure to.
I've seen it happen. D'you remember Armin Sellik? (He clicks his
CALVIN: Right(!) Well, look, uh, I gotta get back to my route now,
uh ... You guys take care. (He beats a hasty retreat out of the
GORDIE: Thanks, Calvin. (He and Bert share a concerned look about
Joe. Calvin suddenly bursts back into the shop and hands the rest of
Joe's mail to Gordie before hurrying out again.)
SOME WEEKS (OR MONTHS) LATER. OUTSIDE STYLIN' JOE. Joe locks up the
shop and starts to walk away. He suddenly stops in his tracks as he
gets another vision.
FOOTAGE FROM "ABYSS". In Ba'al's cell.
DANIEL: Hi, Jack. (Jack looks at him. Daniel waves.)
DANIEL: I leave, and look at the mess you get yourself into.
OUTSIDE STYLIN' JOE. Joe leaps into the air.
JOE: Yes! (He cackles in delight.) Yes! (He jumps up and hits the
awning over a shop, then jumps into the air and kicks off a tree
before dancing down the road joyfully, laughing.)
JOE'S HOUSE. Joe runs into the house.
JOE: Charlene! You won't ... (He runs into a room, then out again
because she's not there.) Charlene, Charlene, you won't believe it!
(He runs off looking for her and eventually finds her in the
bedroom.) Charlene? Oh, there you are. Honey, it's incredible!
Daniel's still alive! I mean, I know he ascended to a higher plain
of existence but he ... he ... (He trails off as he realises that
Charlene is packing a suitcase.) What are you doing?
CHARLENE: Andy and I are going to my mother's for a while. If you
have even the slightest interest in saving our marriage, you'll see
someone who can help you.
JOE: Charlene, I don't need a shrink. (Charlene picks up two
suitcases and walks out of the bedroom.) Charlene!
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. Charlene carries the suitcases down the steps and
puts them into the trunk of the car.
JOE: Honey, don't *do* this, *please*! Come on! Honey. C'mon, we
can work things out! Charlene – look, our problems are small
compared ... (Charlene gets into the car and closes the door.)
We ... just ... let's talk. (She starts the car.) Can we just talk
CHARLENE (tearfully): Goodbye, Joe. I'll call you later. (She
JOE: Charlene? (He shouts after the car.) Wait! Charlene! (He
sees his neighbour standing and watching what's going on. He waves
STYLIN' JOE. Joe is in the back room writing a letter. A curtain is
drawn in the doorway between the back room and the main shop.
JOE (voiceover): Dear Colonel O'Neill. I understand you are a very
busy man. However, I must wonder if you're actually getting each and
every piece of correspondence I send you. I have written you many
letters and left countless messages for you with the Air Force but
I've yet to receive any kind of response from you. Because of this I
realise I have no choice but to take my life into my own hands and
come clean with you. I know everything.
(At that moment Gordie bursts through the curtain, stumbling over
something on the floor. Joe jumps.)
JOE: Jeez, Gordie!
JOE: You scared the hell out of me!
GORDIE: I'm sorry, I ...
JOE: It's OK, Gordie, I'm just ... glad it's you. (As Gordie comes
closer, Joe turns over the letter he was writing so that Gordie can't
see what's written on it.)
GORDIE: Boss, if it's alright with you – me and Bert, we're gonna
head home. It looks like nobody's coming in again today.
GORDIE: Look, I know this is kind of a bad time, but ... (he trails
JOE: What is it, Gordie?
GORDIE: Well, it's been really slow around here and ... I kind of
dropped off an application at the Piggly Wiggly.
JOE: I understand. You gotta do what you gotta do.
GORDIE: Thanks, boss. Goodnight. (He turns to leave and trips over
the same thing he fell over when he came in before leaving the room.)
JOE: Goodnight. (He turns the letter over, looks at it, then screws
it up and tosses it into the wastepaper bin. After a moment, he gets
up, goes over to the bin, takes out the piece of paper and starts to
tear it into tiny pieces, dropping the pieces back into the bin. The
view of the bin segues into ...)
FOOTAGE FROM "FALLEN". We see Daniel, naked, lying on the ground.
CARTER (voiceover): Activating hyperdrive.
(We see Joe, who is again typing his stories on his laptop.)
O'NEILL: Extending straight up.
(The F-302 does its Star Wars trench run over Anubis' mothership.)
(Joe is now lying on his bed as his visions continue. The TV is on
but the screen has gone to static.)
FOOTAGE FROM "ORPHEUS".
O'NEILL: C'mon, boys, have at `em!
(The SG troops fire at the Jaffa on Erebus. Nearby, the new ship
falls slowly to the ground.)
FOOTAGE FROM "EVOLUTION PART 2".
(Jack fires repeatedly at Chalo, then Burke appears and blows Chalo
FOOTAGE FROM "HEROES PART 2".
CARTER (anguished): Sir!
(On P3X-666, Teal'c turns at the sound of Sam's cry and watches as
Jack, shot in the chest with a staff weapon, crashes to the ground.
An al'kesh flies overhead.)
ONE YEAR AGO.
PARK. Joe is sitting on a bench holding a folder. Charlene comes
over to join him. He stands as she approaches.
JOE: Thanks for seeing me. You look great!
CHARLENE: How are you?
JOE: Oh, I'm good. Uh, *very* good. (He gestures to the bench and
they both sit down.) Charlene, I'm-I'm sorry about everything that's
happened. I drove you and Andy away – I understand that now.
CHARLENE: Joe ...
JOE: Just let me finish. I-I was too wrapped up in the stories to
realise what was important. I promise I will focus on rebuilding my
business, on providing for my family, if you'll give me another
CHARLENE: It was never about the money, Joe – it was your obsession
with that stone.
JOE: I know, I know, and I owe you both an explanation. (He reaches
into the folder.) That's why I brought you proof that my visions are
real. (He shows her a photograph of Jack and Kinsey, taken at the
end of "Smoke and Mirrors".) This is what Jack O'Neill actually
looks like. Now, I know what you're thinking, but I swear I saw this
image in my mind long before it was in the paper ...
CHARLENE: Joe ...
JOE: ... and here: (he shows her a newspaper clipping with the
headline "Massive solar flare erupts from sun") this report about
massive solar flare activity from six years ago – it coincides with
the time SG-1 destroyed Apophis' fleet! And this: (he shows her
another clipping headed "Soviets report submarine missing") about the
sinking of a Russian submarine – it happened the same time Anubis'
ship crashed into the Pacific Ocean.
CHARLENE: It just means that you're using real people and events and
incorporating them in your fantasies.
JOE: They're not fantasies! (He shows her the photograph again.)
Jack O'Neill is head of Stargate Command!
CHARLENE (shouting): There *is* no Stargate Command! (Joe stares at
her. She speaks more quietly.) Listen to me. I've been talking to
several doctors about your symptoms and they seem to think that you
might be suffering from something called manic psychosis combined
with grandiose delusions, but with therapy and medication you could
probably live a normal life.
(Joe stares up into the sky, distracted. He stands up, still staring
JOE: Oh my God! They're fighting in Antarctica – for Earth's very
FOOTAGE FROM "LOST CITY PART 2".
(We see the al'kesh and gliders in combat with the F-302s.
Prometheus heads towards the cargo ship.)
JOE: Anubis' fleet is in orbit above us right now!
CHARLENE: Joe, stop it, it's not real.
JOE: You don't understand! If Jack can't find a way to use the
Ancients' technology in time, we're all dead!
CHARLENE: Goodbye, Joe. (She stands up and walks away. Joe calls
JOE: It's happening, Charlene! You'll see! It's real!
JOE'S HOUSE. A sign has been placed outside the house. It
reads, "Notice. Court Ordered Sale. Indiana Statute 8473". A
repossession firm is collecting Joe's furniture. One of the workmen
walks back to the house, wearing overalls with "Brothers Grimm Repo"
on the back. Joe is standing on the driveway looking lost as his
furniture is taken to a large van. Finally he gets into a taxi and
is driven away.
Joe pulls up outside Jack's house. He reaches into the glove
compartment and takes out a pistol.
JACK'S KITCHEN. We're back at the beginning of the episode. Joe is
holding his gun on Jack.
O'NEILL: OK, look, this obviously isn't your forte, so why don't you
just put the gun down before you get hurt?
(He takes a step towards Joe, who brandishes the gun wildly.)
JOE: Don't come any closer!
O'NEILL: I know your gun isn't real. (He opens a drawer in the table
in front of him.) However, (he takes out a pistol) mine is.
JOE: Oh God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right, it's just a toy.
(He drops his gun on the floor and raises his hands.) Please don't
O'NEILL: I'm not gonna shoot ya.
JOE: I'm sorry – I just thought it was the only way to make you
listen to me.
O'NEILL: Oh, where you're goin', people will listen. (He picks up
his cellphone and dials.) They've got nothin' to do but listen to
what you have to say. They've got nice white coats, padded walls,
the whole nine yards.
JOE: Please, wait! You're Brigadier General Jack O'Neill, head of
Stargate Command at Cheyenne Mountain. You used to command SG-1,
which is now led by Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter. You once
visited a planet called Argos and the nanites in your blood caused
you to age artificially. You had the entire repository of the
Ancients' knowledge downloaded into your brain – twice! You have a
thing for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, the colour
peridot, and you're a terrible ping pong player.
O'NEILL: Have we met?
JOE: My name is Joe Spencer. I'm a barber. (He looks at Jack.)
It's all true, isn't it? Everything I've seen – the Stargate, the
Goa'uld, the Asgards – it's all real. Tell me it's *real* - I need
O'NEILL: Well, first of all, Joe, I'm *not* a terrible ping pong
SGC. INFIRMARY. Joe is sitting on the side of a bed having some
blood taken as Jack stands nearby.
JOE: Between you and me, I totally see the analogy – Burns as Goa'uld.
O'NEILL: *Thank* you!
JOE: And don't worry – I won't say a word about your feelings for ...
(At that moment Sam walks in. Jack raises a finger to Joe
warningly. Joe jumps off the bed and holds out his hand to Sam. She
JOE: This is such an honour. I don't know how to thank you for all
you've done for our planet. There are not enough words!
CARTER (cautiously): It's nice to meet you too. (She looks at Jack.)
O'NEILL: Joe Spencer.
JOE: I was particularly impressed with the time you blew up that sun.
CARTER: Well, thank you! I had a bit of help.
JOE: And as far as this whole Pete Shanahan thing goes ...
(Jack claps his hand onto Joe's shoulder to stop him. However, Joe
has already been distracted by the sight of Daniel walking in.)
JOE: Doctor Jackson, can I just say, thank goodness you're back. (He
shakes his hand.) Not that Jonas was a bad guy, but after all you've
been through together, you belong here with SG-1.
DANIEL: Thank you! Jack?!
O'NEILL: He's a barber.
DANIEL: Broke into your house?
DANIEL: Second week in a row.
DANIEL (pointedly): *Alarm*.
O'NEILL: I'm thinkin' dog.
JOE: You *could* try locking your front door.
BRIEFING ROOM. Joe is sitting at the table as Sam works on a laptop
on the other side of the table. Jack and Teal'c come in. Joe stands
and greets Teal'c.
JOE: Shal'kek nem'ron!
(Teal'c reaches out to shake his hand but Joe grasps his arm in the
Jaffa fashion. Teal'c looks at Jack.)
O'NEILL: Joe. A barber.
TEAL'C (to Joe): Please be seated. (They sit down.)
O'NEILL: What've you got there, Carter?
CARTER: Well, initial tests show that Joe possesses the same Ancient
gene as you do.
JOE: I just want you to know, if you ever need me to use the Chair
device in Antarctica in defence of the planet, I'm there.
O'NEILL (putting his hand on Joe's arm): *Thank* you!
(Teal'c and Sam exchange a glance before Sam turns her attention back
to the laptop.)
CARTER: Other than that, his physiology is completely normal.
TEAL'C: Do not a great many people possess this Ancient gene?
JOE: Yeah, I mean, how come I'm the only one seeing these things?
O'NEILL: Yes, good question. (He turns to Sam.) Pray tell.
CARTER: Unfortunately our knowledge of Ancient physiology is fairly
limited. The only other thing we know is that Joe has somehow
managed to gain access to huge amounts of classified information,
mainly in regard to SG-1, and that these visions are somehow
connected to the stone he found.
O'NEILL: Anything on that?
CARTER: Daniel's looking into it. He did say there was something
familiar about it.
TEAL'C (to Joe): You claim to receive these visions only within the
proximity of the stone. Perhaps there is a connection between the
stone and your genetic predispositions.
(Joe is staring at Teal'c.)
JOE: I know that hair makes you look different, but didn't you use to
be more gold-coloured?
(Daniel comes up the stairs.)
DANIEL: I think I've got it! Took me a while to track it down
but ... (He puts Joe's stone down on the table and lays a second
identical stone beside it.)
JOE: You have one too?!
DANIEL: They're a set. Jack, you remember P3R-233? The planet where
JOE (interrupting): ... where you found the quantum mirror that sent
you to an alternate reality where the Goa'uld invaded Earth.
(Daniel looks at Jack and nods in confirmation.)
FLASHBACK. It's after the events of "There But For The Grace Of
God," "Within the Serpent's Grasp" and "The Serpent's Lair." Daniel,
with long hair, is in his office looking at some artefacts. Jack
O'NEILL: Hey, fella.
DANIEL: Hey, Jack.
O'NEILL: This all the stuff we brought back from ...?
DANIEL: P3R-233? Yeah. Coming to help me catalogue it?
O'NEILL: You bet(!) My favourite. But it's all gonna have to wait.
Hammond called a briefing. (He picks up one of the artefacts – it's
the stone.) We got some intel back indicating that Apophis may not
be so dead as we thought. (He looks at the stone and seems
distracted.) ... Something about ... Chulak.
DANIEL: I think the stones were a kind of Ancient long-range
communication device allowing people to see events over great
distances by assuming a sort of psychic connection. Now, Jack must
have activated the link between the stones by picking up the second
stone. Now, after that, all that would be required is a certain
proximity to the stone for the connection to be activated. Now,
seeing as the stone has been stored in the base archives ...
O'NEILL: But that doesn't explain how the other stone got to the ...
where? Where was it?
TEAL'C: A garage sale.
JOE: The person who sold it to me said his grandfather found it on a
dig in Egypt.
CARTER: But that still doesn't explain the proximity issue. I mean,
if the stone General O'Neill touched was kept here, how was Joe able
to see everything that happened to the general offworld?
DANIEL: Maybe he was getting most of it from when Jack was writing
his reports right here on the base. The stone was being stored just
a few levels above.
JOE: *That's* why the stories were so easy to write. It was like
someone else had done most of the work for me!
O'NEILL: And you say they *all* got rejected?
(Joe nods. Jack looks hurt.)
CARTER: Wait a second – if the stones work the way Daniel says,
shouldn't General O'Neill have been able to see elements of Joe's
life as well?
DANIEL: Theoretically, yes, he would.
(Everyone looks round at Jack. Jack raises his eyebrows. Joe looks
nervously at him.)
We see Joe sitting in his chair at the barber's, reading the paper.
We see Joe trimming his nostril hairs in the mirror.
We see a tenpin bowling ball rolling down the aisle and getting a
In the Briefing Room, Jack smiles at Joe.
O'NEILL: Bowling league, Thursday nights?
JOE: You saw that?!
O'NEILL: You got game, son!
DANIEL: Wait a minute. Jack – you've been seeing parts of the life
of a barber in Indiana for seven years and you never mentioned it?
O'NEILL: Yeah, sure I did. I know I did.
(SG-1 look at each other. Sam shakes her head.)
CARTER: No. No, you didn't, sir.
O'NEILL: I didn't?
DANIEL: You didn't find that the least bit odd?
O'NEILL: Actually, no – I found it quite ... relaxing.
PARK. Joe is sitting on the bench again. He stands as Charlene
CHARLENE: I only have about ten minutes, then I really need to get
right back to work. (Behind her, a black Air Force car pulls up.)
Um, there's no easy way to say this – I want a divorce.
JOE: I know. I mean, you have every right to. But, before we get to
that, there's someone who'd like to meet you. Here he comes now.
(Jack, in his dress uniform, walks over to join them.) Charlene –
meet General Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force.
(Jack takes his hat off and offers his hand to Charlene.)
O'NEILL: It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am. (Charlene nervously
shakes his hand.) I think we have some things to talk about.
(Charlene looks at Joe as Jack gestures to the park bench. The three
of them sit down, and the camera pulls back as Jack starts to talk.)